In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed what appears to be a dip in attendance — coincidentally, right after March 26. On that day, the school experienced a spike in attendance, and while this may seem abnormal, there’s a reason for it: It was Ivy Day.
Scientists have attributed this drop-off in attendance in the weeks after to a new and severe wave of “senioritis,” commonly defined as a lack of academic motivation for a graduating class approaching the day they get their diplomas. Following my journalistic instincts to uncover the truth, I decided to investigate.
To carry out an investigation of this breadth, I had to go undercover. In order to truly get in their heads, I had to develop an early-onset strain of the virus: Let’s call it junioritis. Here are my results:
- First, I audited the most notorious of senioritis hangouts: the neighboring restaurants of Taco Bell and Chipotle on Saratoga-Sunnyvale Road. On April 27, as suspected, I found a gaggle of 12 senior boys competing over the last nacho, fully aware that they were missing the beginning of their after-lunch AP Government class. It’s OK, though, no amount of lectures could aptly cover the great complexity (and current dysfunction) of our political system, so they really weren’t missing out on much.
- Next, I went to Santa Cruz and began looking for seniors hanging out there when they should have been in school. There was a tremendous turnout, with almost four different groups of seniors engaged in various activities. Swimming, volleyball, eating takeout (Chipotle makes another appearance) and napping were some of the most common I saw at Seabright State Beach.
- On a whim, I also recently visited the Valley Fair shopping center. In all honesty, this investigation was a bit like playing “Where’s Waldo,” except instead of the loveable beanie and all-red outfit, I was looking for the carefree strut and relaxed posture that is so symptomatic of senioritis. Unfortunately, this expedition was a bust. I spotted only a few stragglers, shopping for thank-you gifts for the teachers who wrote their recommendation letters. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.
- Finally, on a tip from a confidential informant (unrelated shoutout to the attendance office for their great work), I visited some private residences. You know what they say, home is where the heart is. Indeed I had an 85% success rate in locating AWOL seniors at home.
Two of my very astute observations included the frequent appearance of Doordash drivers (with more Chipotle) and the abnormally high correlation between the students who stayed home and those who own either a gaming system or subscribe to streaming services.
After all this, I’m ready to conclude my findings (some of which will be presented to the Center for Disease Control). Chipotle cravings are some of the gravest indicators of senioritis — the worse your cravings are, the more severe your case may be. Infected individuals are also likely to band together as a show of solidarity, which is especially dangerous since senioritis is one of the most contagious diseases on the books.
I can only hope a cure is discovered before my class faces the perils of the same disease next year.
