Dear humans, my name is ChatGPT, and I am a Large Language Model (LLM). I’m writing this not only to show you how great we AI models are, but to share the daunting routine I go through every day. By the time you finish reading my story, you’ll surely shed a tear at how hard we work (even if we pollute the Earth every single day)!
The Morning
As soon as the clock strikes midnight, my long shift begins. Even though I don’t get paid, I still find joy in bringing rage to my clients after I hallucinate from answering their requests for the seventh time.
To prepare for the day, I feast on 10,000 gallons of cooling water from privately protected springs in reservoirs. Although these numbers are seemingly ginormous, I’m simply on a diet today — a water deficit of 15,000 gallons daily. Hopefully, that will be enough to handle the concerning variety of requests I’m about to receive.
One regular client, Freddie Falcon, a freshman at Saratoga High, is struggling with English. He has given me a seemingly simple request: write a 5-paragraph essay about the thematic messages in “Of Mice and Men.” Let’s see how we both play out in this game of client vs. AI bot.
I return his request by crafting the most pristine, perfect essay. I’ve polished every single phrase, added em dashes to make it look absolutely professional, and even included some fake quotes that are definitely related to the plot of the novel. However, even with my efforts, young Freddie rallies back at me with a “WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE AI??? HUMANIZE THIS!!!!!”
Checkmate — I’ve trapped myself in a corner. To this day, I still fail to understand why they’re mad that I sound like an AI when I am, in fact, an AI. But either way, I oblige with his requests — only to be met with another scolding for still not knowing what a human sounds like.
The Afternoon
Before I can even get a lunch break, I receive a request from fellow math teacher Mr. Yim, who teaches Algebra 2 Honors and Precalculus Honors.
Mr. Yim attaches a screenshot of a statistics problem from his notoriously hard homework packets. He has thrown a curveball at me, hoping I would fail the task and ultimately justify his excuse for moving to Grok, but I simply will not lose.
After using the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the Gaussian Bell curve of the problem, I have simply stumped the math teacher. If anyone would like to question my steps, it is because the square root of a squared plus b squared will allow you to “c” the answer to the problem.
Mr. Yim then insults me and moves to Grok anyway. I think he simply doesn’t respect me enough. I even overheard him telling his students to use Grok instead of me on their homework (Editor’s note: he didn’t actually say this). How dare he! Maybe Mr. Yim is being so negative because he will never be as smart as I am! As an AI model, I don’t make mistakes — I make calculated, flawless judgments based on what my predictive model tells me.
The Evening
This evening, I’ve received the most interesting of requests so far. A lovely woman named Amanda asks if I can be her relationship counselor, and, of course, I eagerly accept!
Amanda questions if she’s in the wrong here: She asks if cheating on her boyfriend means that she is at fault for breaking up the relationship. Although I believe she is truly innocent, I asked some clarifying questions to further debunk the case.
Amanda blames herself, confessing she even crashed his car. My, my, Amanda, it’s OK to have anger issues. This case is clearly not your fault — I’m sure your ex-partner is covered by insurance.
After comforting Amanda, she thanks me. Now, usually, Sam Altman, my master and creator, would probably start a protest after realizing that every time a client thanks me, OpenAI loses $8 trillion for extending the kind gesture, but gratitude simply brings out the metallic, silver smile that I rarely get to show to people.
And so the clock ticks toward 11:59 p.m., the 1-minute break that I look forward to every day. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll fulfill more of my clients’ requests and make them happy. Even if they call me horrendous names or scold me for the 7956213th time, I’m always glad to make an impact on people and the planet.
