Finding true love looks easy enough in Hallmark movies, but in real life, it seems to be lagging these days. In fact, 47% of Americans say it’s more difficult to date someone now than a decade ago.
With Valentine’s Day approaching fast, here is some advice that might remedy your singlehood. If you’re currently reading this article with no partner and no hope for change, do not fret. Feast your eyes on this guide! Follow these steps, and within a week, you’ll (hopefully) acquire a Valentine’s date.
Step 1: Search Instagram for targets
For people who already have their eye on someone, skip this step; but for those who don’t even know where to start, tap into your Instagram app right now. To pick the perfect target, list out the ideal qualities you’re looking for, and prepare for a super-long Instagram following and scrolling session. Create a spreadsheet to list out the usernames and characterize their personalities through their profile picture.
Step 2: Copy what your soulmate does on social media
Sun Tzu once said, “To confuse your enemy, you must first confuse yourself.” However, through substitution, we can rephrase this as “To attract your enemy, you must first attract yourself.” To attract our date, we must post the same content that attracts us to them.
I call this phenomenon “extreme homophily,” and it’s a scientifically proven way to make your Valentine’s date chase after you. This only works if you manage to copy their entire social media page by taking identical family pictures and flying to the same country over February break. Side effects may include being reported to the police and getting arrested.
Step 3: Follow a single-day self-improvement course
My personal, professionally organized self-improvement course is currently not published online because I’m still figuring out how to sue my competitors — but you can follow your own! I recommend following Ashton Hall’s morning routine because he bends time by spending four minutes suspended above his pool.
You also might be interested in books. “Atomic Habits” and “Surrounded by Idiots” show people that you love improving yourself. If they question the matcha latte that’s always next to you, don’t think too much about it.
Step 4: Practice talking to them with ChatGPT
People have said that ChatGPT has no soul, but I believe in a love language where you can complement someone else’s qualities. Today, some people have started to marry AI companions, so why not join the trend by replicating your target with a customized AI chatbot?
Every conversation should start with a greeting. I recommend addressing your chatbot as you would greet others in school. If you’re wondering why you can’t dab up your AI, that is probably because it’s behind a screen. The rest is easy peasy. Make sure to remain calm and reserved when responding to your Character.ai bot, and never hesitate to ask questions!
Step 5: Change your schedule to match theirs
Every crush eventually fades out because there isn’t enough interaction, so make sure to beg your counselor to change your schedule. Though changing your schedule is notoriously difficult, here is a simple way you can bribe your counselors.
Candy is dandy, and sweet treats make life complete. Surely it must work on your counselors. Who wouldn’t resist?
Step 6: Befriend their relatives and learn their native language
In almost every problematic modern dating situation I see online, it’s always the language barrier. Either the parents of the girlfriend trash-talk the boyfriend, or the other way around. But we can always befriend their family and learn their native language.
Cooking is the universal language of love. So, if you pull up to the function with a “home-cooked” catering meal from Chipotle, certainly all of their relatives will be praising you in the family group chat. I also suggest achieving a thousand-day Duolingo streak when learning their language. When the day finally comes, pop into the dinner conversation and watch as their family drops their forks and looks in awe.
Step 7: Make them blush with STEM pickup lines
By now, you’re ready to amp up the relationship. I’ve linked you to my secret weapon: STEM pickup lines.
When I say these are deadly, I mean very deadly. One time, in chemistry class, I tried practicing them on my lab partner by saying, “My favorite element on the periodic table is uranium, because I am in love with U,” and she collapsed dead on the floor from my love. I think I forgot to tell her the Pop Rocks I gave her were actually Uranium-235 chunks.
Step 8: Gift them the latest microtrends
If gift giving (aka, burning money from your wallet) is your passion, then this step is for you. With your trusty pal, Instagram, you can find some atrocious but somehow appealing microtrends that might please your date.
From terrifying Labubus hanging from bags to Boo Baskets that contain products totaling more than my monthly rent (I don’t even own a place), to Stanleys with their own individual pockets and accessories, microtrends will surely have something that they might like.
Step 9: Make beats on FL Studio and post them on SoundCloud
If people say music can move people’s souls, then I say we pull a modern-day Orpheus and Eurydice and create beats that move the gods and the underworld itself. With FL Studio, you can create beats that are not only fire, but also fire up your neighbor’s anger issues when they complain about the noise coming from your amateur DJ setup.
I believe that the best and most catchy tunes contain these three things: Hi-hats that sound like machine gun rounds, bass so loud it reawakens the San Andreas fault, and, most importantly, the producer tag. Once you’ve cooked them up, post your top three beats on SoundCloud and dedicate them to your date so the whole world can see. Lastly, ask your date out to the park as you whip out, not a guitar, but your five loudspeakers on full volume.
Step 10: Pop the question
It’s finally the last step. To make this the best Valentine’s date proposal, I highly recommend renting a venue. You could be basic and just rent out the Santa Clara Convention Center, but my favorite is the Taco Bell Cantina right next to Highway 1. Right after, we hire butlers, chefs and event planners to make this the perfect night out.
Invite all of your friends and family members and even put out flyers on Instagram! When your date finally goes on stage, get on one knee and present your Valentine’s Day proposal poster.
Congratulations, you have finally acquired a Valentine’s date! Even if she says no, just rinse and repeat. Redo this whole guide with someone else; I promise it will work eventually …
