It’s 2 a.m., and you have way too much homework due tomorrow and you know you really need to sleep, but you can’t help yourself from clicking on yet another LinkedIn profile, trying to understand how your classmate managed to cure cancer while you’re still learning how to use Desmos to better your score on the SAT.
We’ve all been there.
In the pressure cooker of Saratoga, where A+ grades are hoarded like rare Pokémon cards and college counselors start recruiting clients in sixth grade, it’s only natural that everyone wants a resume that rivals Mark Zuckerberg’s’. But if you’re ready to stop spiraling over everyone else’s LinkedIn profiles and become a performative LinkedIn user yourself, follow my foolproof 3-step plan — soon you’ll be the one causing the existential crises.
- A picture is worth 1,000 words
Your profile picture is the most important element. Hint: No family photos with your older brother cropped out of the frame. You want everyone to know that you mean business. Literally. You really need a job.
So, pick a photo — the more professional, the better. That one from your third grade piano recital will do nicely — you’re even wearing a dress.
Or better yet, have your mom snap a picture of you right now. The pasty yellow wallpaper really does wonders for your complexion, and your greasy hair reflects the light in a halo around your head. You look downright angelic.
Just make sure not to smile. Being happy is definitely not professional.
- You’ve got to start early
When it comes to building your resume, there’s no such thing as starting too early.
Everyone will be so impressed with your Math Olympiad score from 2014 that they’ll completely forget how there’s been nothing new on your resume for the past 10 years.
Remember talent is born, not bred. No one will take you seriously unless you establish your academic dominance from an early age.
Remember that time you taught your cousin’s neighbor their times table at a dinner party four years ago? Make sure to add that to your “skills” section too. If you think hard enough about it, that’s technically another three community service hours towards your Presidential Volunteer Service award.
“Arithmetic and Linguistics tutor” has a pretty nice ring to it, don’t you think?
- Everything is an “experience”
I mean everything. Did you learn how to cry on command to make your playdates last longer in second grade? You’re now a seasoned theater performer who’s been on the stage for nearly a decade. Did you make dinner for your family last year? Welcome to the world of being a private culinary consultant. Maybe you even have a background in nutrition and food science now.
The possibilities are endless.
When you get your next job interview using this 3-point plan, don’t forget to mention me in your post — as they say, your network is your net worth, and we’re about to become rich.
