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The Saratoga Falcon

The Saratoga Falcon

The Saratoga Falcon

Top ten things President-elect Barack Obama needs to do

10. Lead the people
Obama’s charisma—and the fact that President Bush’s approval rating is a negative value—is what won him the election. Now, he must try to stay in the public’s good eye because if he’s liked, he won’t have to watch out for Iraqi television reporters armed with size 10 shoes. One way to start would be to get his daughters those puppies he promised.

9. Pick the right staff
A major issue during the election was Obama’s lack of experience. At least he didn’t pick George Bush for anything important…

8. Define torture
Since Washington is so divided on the definition of torture, this is what Obama should do: subject George Bush to all his “interrogation techniques.” If he doesn’t enjoy the feeling, it’s torture, if he does, it’s not. Simple!

7. Monitor immigration
The Chinese are gaining power in the economic arena, but that doesn’t mean we have to copy all of their ideas. Just because they have a Great Wall to keep out the Huns, it doesn’t mean Americans need a “Great Steel Barbed-Wire Electric Fence of the Rio Grande” to keep their jobs safe from Mexicans.

6. Focus more attention on national security
In light of the recent attacks in India, it seems terrorists are becoming more active. Obama should implement new policies to strengthen American security. “Randomly” checking all turbaned males at the airport and forcing passengers to throw away their shampoo is no longer enough.

5. Introduce better educational policies
No Child Left Behind promised no child would be left behind. Based on the current college acceptance percentages at Saratoga this year, it seems more like every child was “left behind.”

4. Improve the health care system
Hillary Clinton promised universal health care. However, Obama, after seeing the three-week wait list for Advil in France, decided to do things a little differently. He is going to mass produce Advil and distribute it to the elderly and the sick.

3. Solve American energy issues
Gas prices are suddenly plummeting (under $2 a gallon!), but we still need to establish energy independence. Solution: Harness the hot air coming from Sarah Palin’s mouth.

2. Withdraw troops from Iraq
Obama assured us that he would withdraw the troops in Iraq, but really, what’s going to happen to our global mission of imposing democracy?

1. Get the economy back on track
“Spread the wealth?” Oh, my God! Obama must be a socialist! Well, a tax cut for the middle class could mean a record number of sales on Black Friday next year. Although people should be saving money, not spending more of it, that’s going to be the case. Don’t you want more discount electronics?!

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