Top 10: ways to turn around struggling sports teams

Photo by Richard Fan

Swimming cap worn by water polo players.

10. Require all former ice hockey players to play field hockey

Of the few former ice hockey players here, most don’t play on the field hockey team. Think of the toughness they could bring.

9. Actually run lacrosse teams

Obviously the lacrosse teams can’t win if they don’t exist, as happened last spring. 

8. Offer stock options to golf tournament winners

This prize would definitely appeal to the country club set.

7.  Allow cross country runners to train on their own and run in the morning

This will be a more enjoyable experience than spending late afternoons running around the hot, sometimes smoke-choked streets of Saratoga in the fall.

6. Draft tall players into the girls’ basketball team 

The median height of the girls’ basketball team during the ‘22-‘23 season was around 5’6, which is simply too low to be competitive. If you’re over 5’10, get ready to ball.

5. Ban football, soccer, and volleyball players from joining track and field

Track and field practice is NOT your offseason workout schedule. This team should consist of those dedicated to running and running only.

4. Require all badminton players to have touched a badminton racquet before joining the team.

Because freshmen looking to get out of PE would no longer be able to join, implementing this rule would cut this team’s size in half, allowing coaches more individualized time with each player and pair.

3. Stop requiring water polo to wear ugly ear protectors

This change will stop scaring fans away from watching games.

2. Force all football and water polo players to join wrestling

Usually the smallest team on campus, wrestling needs athletes, especially strong ones used to being kicked and tackled. 

1. Require all freshmen weighing at least 170 lbs to play football

“Is that a fifth grader wearing a football jersey or a high schooler on the team?” should not be a question asked during football games.