Top 10 ways for a non-fan to survive Super Bowl LII

January 29, 2018 — by Jay Kim and Victor Liu

10. Know which teams are playing in the Super Bowl this year: No, it’s not going to be the Warriors and Earthquakes.

9. Place your bets: Oh wait, we can’t condone gambling in a school newspaper.

8. This isn’t college football: Keep the “Roll Tides” at home.

7. Fake it till you make it: Be sure to name drop a couple players’ names like they’re proper nouns in APUSH. Use buzzwords like rub routes and “Red Zone” and GOAT for bonus points.

6. Choose a team to back: Buy both Patriot and Eagles jerseys so you can change at halftime, depending on the score.

5. Drink lots of water: You don’t need to stay hydrated on the field, but you can avoid sports talk when you go to the bathroom for the 15th time.

4. Budget your weekend properly: You’ll spend over three hours watching the ball be in play for 11 minutes.

3. Asdjfdjhbfjkshkmuxuftsjfhztubbyqwetunchakso: Keep your mouth full with Doritos and guac so you don’t have to expose your lack of football knowledge. Throw in a fist pump afterwards to feign excitement.

2. “Unbelievable:” The phrase works whether your team is winning or losing.

1. Know who’s performing at halftime: Perfect hitting those high-pitched Justin Timberlake notes.