Top 10: reasons I hate the beach

Graphic by Amy Luo

My state of mind at the beach.

10. The crowd

Just the sight of enormous crowds within no more than an arms-length from each other at the beach makes me exhausted. It’s also a little disturbing that everybody is only a few pieces of cloth from being naked.

9. The flying volleyballs

There’s always college students playing beach volleyball. I wouldn’t mind it if it weren’t for me having to duck and cover at every shot they miss. My slow reflexes don’t do me justice in these scenarios.

8. The sloppy clumps of seaweed

This is extremely specific, but I’ve come across these too many times despite my few visits to the beach. I’m talking about the wavy black strips tangled and washed up by the waves that make you contemplate whether you should run for your life, retch in revolting disgust or both.

7. The not-so-gentle ocean breeze

How can I possibly enjoy my time when every wave is followed by an aggressively powerful gust of wind that makes my hair go flying and blows my picnic blanket over? But you know what’s worse? The smell of it. A horrible mixture of excessive saltiness and musty fish is literally all you smell by the ocean.

6. The sharp seashells

With every step on the sand comes the risk of splicing your feet and splattering blood everywhere. No matter how carefully you watch your step, the tragedy of a startling splinter is inevitable given the granularity of the sand.

5. The sea

Swimming in the ocean means the inevitable mistake of gulping down some ocean water. Believe it or not, high-sodium and fish-waste-infested water is not my drink of choice! Bonus points if you were unaware of the cut on your knee that’s now stinging in agonizing pain.

4. The seagulls

Their daunting calls overhead constantly remind me of their presence, ready to snatch my food and drop two splats on my head.

3. The UV Rays

I’m personally traumatized from the period of my life (at 10 years old) when I was as tan as a toasted coconut. Therefore, the beach is nothing but a hellhole of UV rays to me. Sunbathing is my worst nightmare. I find no peace in having my skin red and burning for the next two weeks after a beach visit.

2. The sand

It’s impossible to ignore the sand particles blinding my eyes with every breeze, sticking onto my palms for dear life and scattering themselves in every bite of my food. Additionally, my backseat’s crevices will surely be filled with sand and dirt for the next 3 weeks.

1. The marine creatures

Perhaps this is a personal problem, but the soulless eyes and glossy bodies of fish and the eight-legged, blobby-headed octopi are legitimately my worst nightmare. The biggest reason for my anti-beach sentiment is its close vicinity to the habitats of creepy organisms.