The perfect dating advice from a relationship ‘expert’

March 24, 2023 — by Anika Kapasi
Graphic by Minsui Tang
The three stages of relationship: the talking stage, the situationship and finally the relationship.
Please do not follow this advice or you may or may not end up at the not-so-ripe age of 60 living with four cats all alone.

By watching hundreds of trashy rom-coms and reading numerous romance novels, I have become quite the expert in giving relationship advice even though I have never been in a relationship ever, in my whole, entire life  — totally not salty about it, though. So, obviously, I have crucial relationship advice that will be a sure way to set you up for failure!

#1: The talking stage

When you are in the talking stage, play hard to get. Take 9 to 12 business days to respond and completely ignore them in public. Better yet,  only talk to their friends, and never even give them so much as a glance. To really push the relationship — over the edge, off the cliff and into an abyss of loneliness — insult and laugh at them, which will make the conversation between the two of you filled with anger and resentment, two qualities every relationship thrives on!

#2: The situationship

Once the two of you establish an awkward rhythm that makes all your friends want to hurl when they see the two of you together, never confirm that you actually like them. Tell them you are 75% sure you like them to keep them on their toes.

#3: The relationship

After you manage to establish that the two of you are actually dating, never make time for them. Let’s be honest — the chase was more fun than the relationship. 

Always cut them off when they are talking and never let them complete a thought. Talk only about yourself and never, ever consider their feelings because you are always in the right. And the most essential piece of advice is to disrespect their boundaries and tell your friends every single detail about your relationship to keep things fun, fresh and exciting!

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