Navigating the horrors of Shipper Lake

November 12, 2014 — by Helen Wong

As the only source of fresh water on the Tumblr continent, Shipper Lake is impossible to avoid.

As the only source of fresh water on the Tumblr continent, Shipper Lake is impossible to avoid. You cannot set foot in the Tumblr world without being forced to “drink from” or at least “sail” on Shipper Lake, upon which thousands of ships that fuel Tumblr float upon.

But first, one must know what a ship is. It is a shortened version of the word “relationship” and can be used as a noun, a verb and an adjective.

At Shipper Lake, all of the above are applicable. On my trip to the mysterious place, I was stunned by not only the sheer number of ships that float on the lake, but also the size of the largest ones, whose fans and inhabitants can reach hundreds of thousands. To even get a drink of water, (a look at the posts), I had to fight my way through crowds of ships.

The biggest ships by far were the Johnlock and Destiel — big, lumbering cruise ships that packed the lake, with legions upon legions of fangirls and fanboys crowding their decks.

I, being the savviest tourist present, took it upon myself to find out what these names meant by asking the locals on the ships nearby. Why christen your boat Johnlock? Did it mean having hair like St. John’s? Or pajama hair from wearing long johns? Or was it for a padlock named John?

None of my guesses were right. Sailors on a nearby ship called “Mystrade” told me that “Johnlock” was a combination of the names “John” and “Sherlock.”

“It’s like, you know, from ‘BBC Sherlock,’” one of them told me. “John and Sherlock. Johnlock.”

“Oh,” I said. “So what are you guys, then?”

“We’re the Lestrade and Mycroft boat. Same show. Join us!”

I refrained from telling them that Lestrade and Mycroft had had a grand total of one 10-second scene together in all three seasons of the show and politely declined.

But I couldn’t get back to shore without bumping into the Destiel ship, a gigantic, aged boat that was bursting at the seams with the large number of passengers. Since I’d watched “Supernatural” last year, I put two and two together. “Destiel” is a combo of Dean Winchester, a hunter of supernatural creatures, and Castiel, an “angel of the Lord.”

After dodging the fanfiction, pamphlets and fanart being thrown down from its decks, I swam for the shore, deciding that further exploration into the depths of the lake just wasn’t worth the struggle. On my way back, I met the surprisingly large Achilles/Patroclus ship, one of the oldest recorded ships in existence. I’m not kidding; the Ancient Greeks shipped it. Literature majors still ship it, and your English teacher probably ships it.

I’d satisfied my thirst, but I also exhausted myself. I think I’ll stay away from Shipper Lake, because clearly it’s better to dehydrate and die than risk being shanghaied by one of those ships.

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