A medium-to-severe infomercial addiction

September 20, 2012 — by Cristina Curcelli

What I watch is far superior to any other program airing on TV right now: the infomercial channel.

Sometimes it seems like the hours of weekend studying never end. To offset the boredom, I tend to get up and wander around every so often to look for something that seems more promising than endless pages of history notes. Fortunately, there is always one thing that pops out at me: the beloved television. 

Soon the work seems to disappear when I find something that I deem worth watching. No, it is not that new episode of some mindless TBS sitcom—some of which, I admit, can be particularly entertaining. And it’s not the next episode of “The Bachelor,” featuring the usual middle-aged man going through a midlife crisis. What I watch is far superior to any other program airing on TV right now: the infomercial channel.

Yes, that is right. Repeating 10-minute segments of advertisements for “Insanity Workout” and the magical wallet that you will never lose are the most amusing waste of time I have ever discovered.

For some reason, my TV seems to have a vicious mind of its own sometimes, magically defaulting to that wondrous infomercial channel.  At first glance, the increasingly unrealistic acting and odd-sounding voice-overs may not seem something worth a young person’s valuable time. But when the usually-shiny and always attractive products start popping up on the screen, everything seems to change.

One of my particular favorites, Zumba Fitness, has a 15-minute segment replaying on the same channel for hours on end. The fitness DVD set claims to combine Latin rhythms with a full-body workout for the discounted price of $19.99. But wait—they are going to double this already fantastic offer by including three more workout DVDs plus a free set of Zumba toning sticks! And that is where they have me sold on this fantastic offer.

If only I had $19.99 to spend on a new Zumba Fitness kit! I can just imagine how much fun it would be to finally call that 1-800 number they flash on the screen, and I am absolutely positive that by just watching the DVDs, I will look exactly like the freakishly ripped people they feature on TV.

After Zumba Fitness has filled its hour-long slot, the fantastic clip that staples your cell phone to your head begins to make its incredibly convincing case. This brand-new invention allows non-bluetooth cell phone users to have a hands-free way of making phone calls. Wrapping tightly over the user’s head as would a headband, the clip is available for the low price of $9.99.

And wait for this, it is really just unbelievable … They are going to—you guessed it—double the offer! Now you have two different colors. Gee whiz does that increase my chances of purchasing it.
I can get so caught up in these fascinating new inventions that my homework seems to have suddenly vanished into thin air. That is, until my mother or sister finds me engrossed in infomercial heaven with a, “How much of a fool can you be?” look on her face.
Well, I guess some might call me a fool for drooling over the generally unusual and useless infomercial products. But just wait until cell phone headband clips have taken over the nation and you do not have one. I’ll be the one laughing then.

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