‘Icks’ to get you over that not-so-special someone

February 6, 2022 — by Avani Kongetira and Kavita Sundaram
In honor of Valentine's Day, we’ve compiled a list of red flags to help you move on

On the rare occasion when you find yourself catching feelings for a 5 foot 7 inch tall imbecile with a wispy beard and a questionable shower schedule due to the severely limited number of decent blokes at this school, here is a list of  red flags that will immediately eradicate your concerning, intrusive thoughts. 

Trust us, it won’t take long.


When they think they’re a stockbroker, but they’re just broke

We get that they want to seem smart for their bros, but when cryptocurrency and NFTs make up their entire personality, it really isn’t doing them any favors.


When they wear pajamas that are too short

We know it might be scary for them to go shopping for clothes without their mom, especially since they haven’t changed their wardrobe since middle school, but I’m sure they can find someone to chaperone them on Target run to buy some basic flannel pants.  


When they order a frappuccino with whole milk at Starbucks

We can all agree that both frappuccinos and whole milk are disgusting, so there is no way they actually think combining the two will result in a miraculously delicious beverage. 

If they are trying that hard not to share their drink, it’s an immediate red flag.


When they have a mustache

Everyone can agree that facial hair is only acceptable in individuals above the age of 25. Please understand this. 


When they play fantasy football

We know that they like to think they’re the main character and everyone else is living in their world, but the key word here is “fantasy.” None of it is real. Go run around outside.


When you go to their game and they’re benched

There’s nothing worse than showing up to their game where their only impact was a butt sweat stain on the bench.


When they have a perm

This should be self-explanatory, but clearly people still need an explanation. We’re going to gatekeep curly hair for the people born with it. 


When they run with a backpack to get to class on time

Somehow they refuse to run during PE, but as soon as they’re a second late to World Geography, they’re ready to fulfill their Olympic sprinter pipe dreams. 


When they snap you with filters

Especially the dog filter. We aren’t in 2017 anymore.


When they have laminated 5 Star binder paper

Imagine asking them for notebook paper and they whip out a piece of 5 Star laminated binder paper that’s more expensive than your entire binder. If that’s not an ick then what is?


With these “icks” in mind, we wish you good luck on your search to find a significant other. If you somehow manage to find even one high schooler which none of these apply to (we seriously doubt the possibility of this), congratulations!

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