How to pretend you’re not single on Valentine’s Day

February 7, 2020 — by Joann Zhang and Amanda Zhu

Wikihow got nothing on us.


Ever wonder what it would feel like to be cuffed during Valentine’s Day or how it would feel to receive gifts from someone? Well, don’t worry because we’re here to give you ideas on what to get yourself if you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone!

Try hugging a weighted blanket. You may not have anyone to cuddle with, but at least your weighted blanket can give you the wholesome fuzzy hug you want. With the added weight, you’ll be able to quickly fall asleep, and you won’t have to think too long about how single you are. 

If you can’t afford the expenses of heavy cotton, try watching “The Notebook” and pretend your boyfriend looks like Ryan Gosling. Or that your girlfriend looks like Rachel McAdams. Or that you have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Anything works. 

But if the pain of watching Ryan Gosling find love is too much, take a leaf out of his book and work out. Maybe if you had some abs you would have a partner. Just kidding. Maybe. 

Along the same lines, spray cologne to better your hygiene. In the iconic words of Tessa Brooks from the antiquated Jake Paul classic “It’s Everyday Bro,” “Yeah I smell good — is that your man’s cologne?” Cologne is subtly romantic. If you close your eyes and sniff a bar of 99 cent Old Spice, you’ll feel like you have a classic highschool man.

We’re not speaking from experience, but if you want the easy way out, you could always try buying a significant other. If you can’t find a man and our other ideas just aren’t cutting it, go to the black market and buy someone. A bribed significant other is better than no significant other!

If all else fails, work toward accepting the fact that you will be a crazy cat lady. Eat some expired Halloween candy and pretend it’s a box of Ghiradelli’s in a heart-shaped box. Better luck next year!