How to buy love

January 24, 2020 — by Justin Guo

You might not be able to buy happiness with money, but you sure can buy gifts for that special someone and make them fall in love with you. Finding that perfect gift is hard, so the best idea is to use your gift to symbolize something else you’re trying to convey to them. Here are some recommendations that’ll help you cuff up this season:

 

Oxygen Bar

John F. Kennedy famously said, “We all breathe the same air.” 

Unfortunately, the quality of this air is decreasing. Seen any  pictures of China recently? 

Relationships should be quality and exclusive, and so should the air that you and your significant other(s) breathe. 

Allow me to introduce you to oxygen bars. Not too dissimilar from wine and coffee bars, oxygen bars sell purified oxygen and proponents claim that they increase mood, energy levels and concentration, among other things

Have these claims been scientifically proven? Nope. Can the effects be linked to placebo? Probably. 

And sure, your body doesn’t really need more than the 21% oxygen that’s in natural air, and oxygen bars technically violate FDA regulations, but how could you ever pass up the opportunity to inhale pina colada or tangerine cream flavored air?

 

Baseball gloves

If you’re thinking about asking that special someone out on a date, or if they want to commit to a relationship, give them a baseball glove: the opportunities for puns are endless and serve as a foolproof backup plan if, for some reason, they throw out your proposal. 

Initiate with this pitch: Tell them that they’re a catch and that you glove them. You’ll probably find yourself hitting it off pretty well. 

If they don’t reciprocate, then it’s time to swing for the fences. Take them out to an actual ball game, get bored after four innings and then drive home in complete silence and cry yourself to sleep.

Actually, strike that last idea. 

Just apologize that your proposition came out of left field.

 

Cupid’s arrows, or just regular arrows

Everyone’s always raving about symbolism and foreshadowing and all that during English class, so gifting arrows for Valentine’s Day provides an opportunity for you to apply that extensive knowledge.

Arrows signify forward movement, power and, of course, love. They also send a pretty clear foreshadowing message to your lover: you’re going to get shot soon. By Cupid (hopefully).  Surely he exists and that guy you hired off Craigslist wasn’t a contracted assassin named Cupid whose weapon of specialty happens to be a bow and arrow.

There’s no guarantee that it’ll work, of course, but you know what they say: shooters shoot.