Even Hogwarts rejected us

Dear Muggle,

The selection committee has completed its deliberations, and it is with genuine regret that we inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Class of 2025. This year’s application pool was the strongest in the School’s history. You should not feel our decision reflects negatively on you or your potential as a successful Muggle, but unfortunately wizarding may not be the right path for you. You are either magical or you are not. While there is a possibility that you are a Squib, we highly recommend you to apply to Muggle universities such as Stanford or Harvard as safeties. Moving forward, here are a few notes on your wizarding application.

We factored in the many “magical” endeavors you claimed to have explored in your free time but found it very detrimental in evaluating your application, as some of your “activities” were quite disturbing. Filling your jeans with frogspawn does not count as performing magic, and breeding pocket frogs is not an extracurricular activity.

Furthermore, we double-checked your Quidditch records — running around with a broomstick between your legs with a bunch of middle-aged men from your Harry Potter Fanclub does not qualify you as being a Division One national athlete. In addition, although you have had a lot of experience in talking to snakes at your previous high school, that unfortunately does not mean you are fluent in Parseltongue.

While we truly appreciate your commitment, we kindly request that you follow the college’s detailed map and instructions during your visit. Even though we have removed the hidden entrance at platform 9 ¾, we did not remove the security cameras at the station. We discovered the tapes of you running into the column not once or twice, but three times. Although you have showed demonstrated interest, we simply do not reciprocate.

On a last note, sending your application by delivery of your owl, Edgar, is an outdated and a poor option. Your application was received almost a full month late, and we were disappointed to find your owl emaciated to the bones, barely alive and sprawled across the snow. We imagine that tying three pounds worth of paper and VCR tapes of your “extracurriculars” (seriously, we know we are an old-timey university but even wizards can’t make those things work) must have put considerable strain on you.

It is honestly shocking that such a small bird carried so much paper across the Atlantic. Then again, we also noticed that you tried to send the application more than once. We have since buried your last owl, Owlvin, who evidently did not complete the journey. Your living owl is now in rehabilitation and we have reported you for animal abuse.

Very Truly Yours,

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Office of Admissions