Buen apetito : Kirk’s hungry

May 4, 2018 — by Anishi Patel and Ananya Vadlakonda

Kirk's struggles with a lack of lunch tables. 

It’s noon. Upperclassmen rush to the parking lot, determined to use every minute of their allotted 35. Underclassmen scramble to the cafeteria, desperate to snag a slice of cheese pizza, knowing that to be left with pineapple pizza is to not eat at all.

But the rush for the best food comes at a price. When the “lucky” underclassman (let’s call him Kirk) exits the cafeteria with his pizza and cookies, the quad is full. There isn’t an empty table in sight. Kirk’s friends spent too long chatting at their lockers to get one.

Suddenly, out of the blue, there’s a spot of blessedly vacant green. A table! Kirk rushes over, almost drops his pizza, and comes to a sudden halt. The table isn’t empty. There’s a backpack on it. One backpack. Just the one. One student who thinks he or she has the right to occupy an entire lunch table.

Kirk storms away to go yell at his lazy friends and eat his nutritionally deficient lunch elsewhere.

“If the school isn’t going to provide me with enough tables,” Kirk thinks, “why doesn’t someone find me a viable spot to eat lunch?”

Good question, Kirk. We’re happy to oblige.

Lunch spot No. 1: The roof! They keep ladders in the storage sheds behind the science building, and we have lots of roofs, take your pick. Just not the one over the art room. Too soon?

Lunch spot No. 2: Climb a tree and claim a branch. You’ll have to pay the birds their rent, but they’re not picky. They’ll take the pineapple pizza. Plus, you can intercept the bird caca before it falls on the people eating underneath. We’re sure Kirk can sweet-talk the office staff into giving you volunteer credit for it.  

Lugar del almuerzo número 3: Maestra Rodriguez’s room! Just kidding; someone who obviously wasn’t thinking about how their actions could affect Kirk forgot to clean up after him or herself, and now nobody can use the room at lunch. Trágico.

Lunch spot No. 4: That one lunch table between the 400 and 600 wings that nobody ever seems to eat at. Just imagine, the poor thing keeps itself fully functional and is even located next to a trash can, but nobody ever visits it. We named it Table Kirk. Catch the reference? One of us really likes “Gilmore Girls.”

Lunch spot No. 5: The locker room! Just kidding, don’t do this: it’s sad. And smelly. And we found a moldy pizza in one of the lockers once.

Or, perhaps, instead of going through the trouble to visit these stellar lunch spots, Kirk could just petition the administration for more lunch tables.

¡Viva la Revolución!

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