‘Barbie’ movie trailer proves to be both disappointing and depressing

From “Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse” to “Barbie & the Diamond Castle,” we have followed all the content made about Barbara Millicent Roberts — the original IT girl, and usually just called Barbie — on the internet since 2009. So, when we heard about the upcoming “Barbie” live-action movie, we naturally decided to revisit our childhood idol by reflecting on the trailer and past Barbie movies.

The new “Barbie” movie centers around an imperfect doll who is exiled from Barbie Land and enters the real world, embarking on a journey of self-acceptance. If you think the plotline follows the exact same structure as millions of other coming-of-age Disney-esque films, you would be correct! Zero out of five falcons. No creativity these days. Sigh!

But seriously, the trailer is poorly made — every MAP student would definitely cringe when they see the unoriginal sunset hook, the rookie attempt at transitions and the dramatic music along with frames that tell the audience nothing about what’s going on.

If there is a guide for what NOT to do as a trailer, this would be it. The uncreative fonts, the poorly utilized sound effects, the cringe-worthy visual effects and the colors of every scene are all awfully exaggerated. The poor audio layering of the narration and Barbie Girl soundtrack gives the trailer the feel of a fever dream.

Random, inappropriately placed sound effects that are typically found in trailers for action movies accompanying a dramatic death or explosion are instead played to Barbie winking, and it’s not a pretty picture.

Instead of appearing like a peek back into the carefree period during everyone’s childhood, it’s like glimpsing into a glorified remake of the Hunger Games.

You’d expect to see something pretty dramatic happening in order to live up to the sound effects the video was poorly overwhelmed with. Well, the only plot twist of this entire 1-minute trailer is that it does absolutely nothing. Here’s a helpful tip for aspiring filmmakers: If you want to use action-type soundtracks, at least make something happen!

Even if we were looking for a plotless movie as the trailer suggests, we would imagine a live-action version of the struggles Barbie faces in the original movies — like fighting an evil throne usurper after discovering she’s a mermaid princess in “Barbie: A Mermaid Tale.” Unfortunately, we got another failed attempt at making something “deep” when in reality, the entire movie franchise was meant to be a silly little dreamworld for children. Newsflash: We are not looking for a remake of “Wonder.”

But what about the all-star cast, one may ask? The current casting would be perfect for the “Barbie: If It Were A Joke” movie.

Ken held our hearts from age 4 to 9. Ryan Gosling, who is currently cast to play Kenneth Sean Carson, was a heartthrob … never. The fact that he’s 42 says enough. But his stylist somehow made matters worse by giving him platinum blond hair. Ken is clearly a dirty blond, and the current hair choice makes him look like a Jeffree Star dupe. Tears flowed freely as we looked at the initial photos of the film. If you can’t find an actor who looks remotely like the original, at least make his makeup look good or make him wear a wig. We volunteer Ross Lynch as a replacement.

As for Barbie, we think Marilyn Monroe would’ve done just fine in the role, but not everything is within our control in this world. Realistically, any young Reese Witherspoon or Alicia Silverstone look-alike would have sufficed, but frankly, Margot Robbie in character reminds us of every evil stepmother to exist on TV — I’m looking at you, Rose Cameron.

In conclusion, this trailer guarantees that we will not be watching the movie on July 21. In fact, we will be binging “My Little Pony” instead.