10 ‘foolproof’ steps to success in this semester’s finals

It’s almost that time of year. Ah yes, the good old days of nonstop sobbing over incoherent chemistry notes at 1 a.m. are almost upon us. The nagging regret of “why, why did I not start studying earlier” you can only feel during this unparalleled time of year. That’s right — it’s finals season.

Don’t fret, I have the solution to all of your worries: my very own step-by-step guide containing everything you need to know in order to ace all of your finals. If you’re anything like me and the end-of-semester final is your only hope for pulling an 85.7 up to a 90.01, you’re going to want to follow this tried and true finals routine.

Step 1: Mental health is your No. 1 priority. If this means rewatching “New Girl” for the 10th time since the beginning of the semester, then by all means, do what you have to do.

Step 2: Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT start preparing weeks in advance. Cramming in a semester’s worth of material the night before your final keeps everything fresh in your head.

Step 3: Study sheets are for losers. There’s no need to make a study guide when you can just sleep with your textbook under your pillow and rely on diffusion for the information to soak in.

Step 4: Always wait until the last minute. This way, you’ll get all your work done twice as fast. Sure, the end result may not turn out that great, but this is all graded on completion. Right?

Step 5: Forget about math. Nobody needs parametrics anyway.

P.S.: This technique helped me bring my 85 in math up to an 83.

Step 6: Some people say you should go through your old tests and redo the problems that you got wrong, but I say that’s all balderdash. Simply throw away that quiz on which you got a 54 percent — you don’t need that negativity in your life.

Step 7: Memorize, memorize, memorize. It’s always better to have a hoard of facts piled up in your head than waste your time trying to understand the material.

Step 8: Practice tests are overrated. Believe me, beginner’s luck does half the work on the actual final.

Step 9: Pull an all-nighter. It’ll make the post-test nap so much better.

Step 10: Pray. Even if you don’t believe in God, a supernatural force may be the only thing that can save your grade.

Follow these steps and you’ll sail right through those pesky finals, no sweat. Enjoy your well-deserved A plus. You’re welcome, by the way!