Elephants everywhere on Nov. 6 tooted their trunks to their newly elected leader, the well-groomed Mitt Romney. It was a fine day in Mormon households all over as “Jesus took the wheel” (thank you Carrie Underwood) and drove straight into the White House with Mitt on deck. 

If Obama had won, the country would be in quite a pickle. Good thing Obamacare wasn’t passed—otherwise, Americans would have to be financially responsible for their children until they’re 26. What parents would enjoy having to take care of their children until they’re financially stable? We all know what those college students are capable of, and no one wants them on their insurance plans.

Now that Romney’s in office, he’ll finally get rid of that pesky Planned Parenthood—or will he? We’re not really sure, since he used to support abortion rights; but then he changed his mind and declared himself pro-life, and decided to defund Planned Parenthood. Anyway, whatever he ends up doing, it sure can’t be worse than Obama, who would have continued to provide birth control and contraceptives for women all over the country.

“Drill Baby Drill” will finally be more than just a slogan from a lipstick-wearing pitbull; it will be a reality. Forget that it could potentially ravage our environment—at least we will be self-sufficient in our energy production. While we’re down with the economy, let’s bring teachers along on this downward adventure.

Who really benefits from teachers’ unions? (Other than teachers, of course — and their students). We want to improve public education, but everyone knows teachers have no direct impact on students’ education. Good thing, because with this economic plan, we lost the majority of well-qualified teachers looking for jobs.

Our fearless leader said it for the Boston Globe, so it must be true; “Some gays are actually having children. It’s not right on paper. It’s not right in fact.” Our president upholds the ideas behind traditional marriage like any good leader should.

His people sure are proud.