Disclaimer: If you end up single for the rest of your high school love journey, don’t blame me, you messed up somewhere — these steps are absolutely foolproof.
- Find their LinkedIn and get a job at where they work
“What a coincidence! I didn’t know you worked here!” Just don’t forget to upgrade to LinkedIn premium so that they can’t see you browsing their profile — and you’ve guaranteed yourself a valentine next year.
- Give all of your classmates heart-shaped cards and a raspberry-lemonade lollipop
Nothing like bringing back the nostalgia of elementary school courtship that will make your potential dates come running from the other side of the playground.
- Be brave and tag them on an Instagram reel because your “give this 1,000 likes and I’ll ask them out” comment got 1,001 likes
Now you can show that you’re popular, tech-savvy and terribly thoughtful and genuine.
- Show them your rizz
Have your friends shout “that’s the Rizzard of Oz right there!” or “is that the Rizzler?” as you walk by with your potential valentine. For our newly minted high schoolers — I’m talking to you, Gen Alpha freshmen — maybe “mew at them” with your razor-thin rizz — I mean jawline.
- Build them a romantic ping-pong ball game as your AP CS project
Make sure to have the winning screen display “Will you be my paddletine? Because you were absolutely ballin’ just now.”
- Take off your shoes and socks to play footsie with them during class
Build a personal connection and perhaps a shared commonality of foot fungus — at the very least, you’ll finally have something to write on your summer camp and college applications: “I stepped through uncharted territory with my own two feet — and toed the line between ‘you’re my valentine,’ and ‘you’re out of your mind.’”
- Call up their parents to get approval first
Tell them all about how you’ve been watching your soon-to-be valentine walk to school every day, how you fell in love with the way they solve math problems and how you will become rich once you get your EECS degree from Berkeley — I’m sure they’ll love you.
- Pull up — on your rolling backpack
Bring them on a sweet ride to the library, where you can read them the haiku you had ChatGPT write for you on the way.
- Send them a cold email
Bonus points if you read up on them on Instagram, attach your resumé on why you would be a great date, how much time you’re willing to commit and why you’re passionate about the role.
- Take laps around the SHS campus during your coincidentally aligned free periods
And when no golf carts or students are in sight — “BAM” — pull out your K-drama-learned, borderline-assault wall-slam to make them run away in embarrassment. (Or fear, disgust and trauma; results may vary.)
