In third grade, my parents bought me my first pair of glasses, and I’ve been bespectacled ever since.

One thing I’ve encountered throughout my long glasses-wearing career is foggy glasses. I’m sure anyone who has ever worn them can relate. Some kind of humidity — whether from your tea, your soup or your breath — creates a San Francisco-esque haze on your lenses. As a result, you either deal with having blurry vision or wipe your glasses dry every 5 seconds. Annoying, right?

Surprisingly, I have realized that foggy glasses can occasionally come in handy. After all, they’re a wonderful excuse for selective sight; truly the bane of object permanence. The key idea in the logic is this: If you can’t see something, it doesn’t exist. 

Your impatient friend texted you but you’re ghosting them? Sorry, I didn’t see your text. It must be because of the glasses. Your parents saw Canvas and want to know why you didn’t tell them about that test grade? Sorry, my glasses were misting over when I last checked my grades. I didn’t see my score — honest.

I mean, you do have plausible deniability.

People say that the eyes are the window to the soul, so if steam on your glasses is blocking your parents from seeing your eyeballs, theoretically speaking, you should be able to lie successfully. But it is important to account for the fact that parents have magical lie detecting abilities. So if looking them in the eye and lying doesn’t work, it’s time for plan B. You can start dripping the condensation from your glasses to create fake tears for some good old fashioned guilt tripping.

Unfortunately, other than these highly effective lying techniques (courtesy of yours truly), foggy glasses are a supreme inconvenience. Those nasty little vapor droplets pervade all aspects of daily life: When you’re trying to enjoy a steaming cup of instant noodles from the cafeteria, how can you do last-minute homework at the same time? 

And, of course, during the pandemic, masks have only exacerbated this problem: Warm, stinky mask breath escapes your nostrils and condenses on your glasses. Masks are supposed to be airtight, but in my experience, some have rigid wire strips that just don’t fit well no matter how hard you try to bend them. For anyone who sees me aggressively pinching the bridge of my nose, no, I don’t have a nosebleed, and no, I don’t have anger issues — I’m just trying to make my mask’s wire strip fit better. 

It’s already 2022, but N-95 manufacturers are still failing to account for nose shape diversity. Ridiculous.

My frustration peaked one morning during P.E. while I was running the mile. Miles are already inherently miserable, but my leaky mask and foggy glasses make the experience so much worse. Instead of running in circles feeling like a pathetic, sleep-deprived sophomore, I was running in circles releasing puffs of steam, feeling like a half-blind Thomas the Train.

Another issue with foggy glasses to consider is that people become walking safety hazards. Do you feel safe knowing that your irresponsible classmates with misty glasses are hurtling down the SHS hallways like nuclear missiles? I definitely don’t. Cars come with windshield wipers to ensure visibility and safe driving  — isn’t it natural that glasses should have the same? 

If you really think about it, companies are not only failing to equip glasses with basic safety precautions, but also capitalizing on people’s suffering by charging extra for special anti-fog coating. I guess this is the dark reality of the eyeglass industry. 

Hm. Maybe it’s time for me to switch to contact lenses.