There’s nothing to be egg-cited about when reading this somber news.

On Feb. 26, between 9 a.m. and 7 p.m., hours which will long live in infamy nowhere, three chickens, specifically hens, mentioned in a previous issue of The Falcon,  were found missing or slaughtered in a horr-hen-dous murder committed by forces of an unknown origin. The murder scene included feathers strewn everywhere.

Suspected perpetrators currently include mammals of an unknown species, although it appears that they may have been killed for the heinous motive of hen-tertainment.

A theory suggests that had roosters been present, and it is quite plausible that a kamikaze defense by such birds may have saved them. However, this was not the case, as misandry infects local ordinances about the ownership of chickens.

Instead, they were forced to fight with insufficient force to repel such an fowl-play invasion of their territorial integrity. Despite a valiant defense with much hen-durance as evident from the nature of the crime scene, all three were eggs-pelled from the face of the coop.

Ever since then, any sign of their eggsisitence has been terminated and the coop no longer stands. Only a remnant of a single feather remains.

The three will be remembered dearly for absolutely nothing. The cluck had run out of time, too quickly and too soon.