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The Saratoga Falcon

The Saratoga Falcon

The Saratoga Falcon

Top 10: people to leave out of your Thanksgiving dinner invites

Amy Luo
Food Gobbler in action: dishes swept within a matter of seconds.

10. The knock-knock joker

My face muscles are sore from faking laughs, and soon we’ll have to suffer the painfully awkward silence that speaks volumes about how unfunny you actually sound (no offense). Please don’t knock on my door on Thanksgiving day.

9. The Instagram influencer

Phones eat first? I think not. I will be glaring at you as you unapologetically make the entire table wait for you to capture the turkey at a “flattering” angle. Believe it or not, your fans can live without the live stream of you chewing potatoes. #TouchGrass

8. The passionate politician

Read the room, please. Thanksgiving is the time to boil gravy, not tension. Let’s keep it a peaceful evening.

7. The iPad kid

Even though you’re 5, I have no sympathy. The sight of your grubby, gravy dipped fingers smearing all over the iPad screen is not needed at the table, nor is your blasting of the ABC’s. Go back to the kids’ table.

6. The Key Forgetter

Nobody’s got the key. The food’s burnt to ashes on the stove, Rachel’s flight left without her and no one’s appreciative of Monica. Now this feels like Thanksgiving.

5. The Thanksgiving grinch

Self explanatory. Being a hater of gratitude is a pretty big red flag. Do you hear yourself when you say that the day of giving thanks is pointless?

4. The Gordon Ramsay

Sorry the food tastes homemade, it’s almost like it was. To you, the cornbread will always be too dry and the cranberry sauce too sweet. The last thing I’m thankful for is your unconstructive criticism.

3. The narcissistic blabber

No one cares about the 10 second exchange you had with Zac Efron in 2015. Your voice is also the only thing we’ve heard in the past hour. Stuff your face with some casserole and let somebody else talk for once.

2. The grumpy dieter

Don’t be contagiously miserable! It’s not anyone else’s fault you decided to go vegan a week before turkey day. You should’ve planned ahead and brought a tofu salad for yourself.

1. The food gobbler

Am I supposed to sit still as you engulf the whole plate of sweet potatoes in one bite? Stay away from my slice of pie. Feasting is supposed to be a group effort. 

Bonus points if you showed up empty handed.

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