If you’re in the mood for a refreshing lime-flavored drink, but not in the mood for heart failure at age 30, let me introduce you to your new best friend: sparkling water. Sparkling water allows you to meet your daily hydration needs with flavorful bliss and strategically avoid an unhealthy lifestyle. 

The brainwashed masses might claim that the flavor in sparkling water isn’t strong enough, joking that La Croix manufactures their sparkling water in the same room as a singular fruit to obtain its flavor. My response to that: Grow up. 

If you need your beverage of choice to have an extremely artificial saturated fruit flavoring, maybe you should consider graduating from kindergarten first. Put the Kool-Aid and Capri-Sun down. Is your plan to be an 80-year-old sipping on Gatorade-Coke-Stevia?

 Let’s be realistic. Sparkling water is the perfect medium of hydration that allows you to maintain your mature appearance and indulge in a fruity libation.

I understand that it might be intimidating. There are so many brands, and each has its own pros and cons. I’m here to help, though! An amateur “sparkler” (our community’s affectionate term for sparkling water drinkers) might start with Crystal Geyser.

As you advance in levels of carbonation, you might dip your toes in the pool of Clearly Canadian. A real professional-level sparkler might venture into the world of Topo Chico or San Pelligrino. If you’re ever in the mood to brave the hatred of the non-sparkling outside world, you could possibly try out La Croix or Bubly. 

Be warned, though. Most will see the can in your hand and immediately begin making judgments, or even try to find humor in their hatred of something so beautiful. But you should never hide your passion and always hold your head high. Don’t let the world dull your sparkle.