Recently, the school has found itself home to a trio of wild geese prancing about. They may look harmless, but this deceiving appearance hides their true motives: to torture loitering students by unashamedly pooping everywhere. 

I typically sit near the cafeteria with my friends during lunch, but during the entirety of March, there was a goose squatting right in my usual spot. Around it lay a circle of goose poop, as if it were warning us not to get closer.

I remember slowly edging my way around the goose’s ring of defense. After many precise and calculated steps, I finally reached the table without dirtying my shoes. 

All this time, that goose just stared at me with its beady, black eyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that its two compatriots left similar poop splotches across campus, forcing other students to also play hopscotch to get to their lunch spots.

After suffering the horror of these geese several more times, I decided that enough was enough. Now at lunch, I have been dining indoors, where the sturdy metal doors shield me from any vigilante goose. I’m safe for now.