Recently, we mustered the courage to ask our private college counselor [name redacted] to write honestly on our behalf to some of our top schools. We have since each received a candid “letter of recommendation” she would write if she were to be our reference for colleges.

While we neither endorse nor denounce her, we must say that it was quite an emotional journey to read through the following letters.

For Selina:

To whom it may concern at “Whatever” University,

I say “Whatever” University because I frankly have no clue where Selina is applying. Her most defining trait is her utter disregard of authority, best exemplified by her decision to apply early to Yale despite my stern words warning her not to. As a result, she was deferred, with no sympathy from me.

However, her choice demonstrated her commitment to choosing her own fate and ignoring others’ criticisms, so maybe she deserves some praise.

Even so, her deferral did not come as a surprise after taking a glance at her rather pedestrian transcript. How dare she take Calc AB instead of BC! I have trained my other students to burn with fiery ambition in their STEM pursuits, so please do not count Selina’s sluggishness against the rest of my darling students, whose praises I sing to Selina every counseling session.

Yet, Selina is stubbornly pursuing international relations, and never once broke down in tears during my incessant scolding, so I’d like to commend her impressive emotional resilience. She is well prepared for the ups-and-downs of college life.

Although she takes interest in the social sciences, she must sometimes overcome her lack of aptitude, evident in her choice to compete in Speech instead of Debate, likely because her muddled intellect can’t handle the intensity of Debate crossfires. However, seeing that Speech is less time-consuming than Debate, and she miraculously managed to win some awards, I should applaud her ability to make calculated decisions, taking one step back for two steps forward.

I have trouble recalling how else she wastes — sorry, dedicates — her time. Oh, Journalism. I heard that she is a news editor or something, so at least she’s finally found a way to channel her creative writing abilities into producing nonsensical stories (possibly about me).

Thank you for enduring Selina’s application. After four years as Selina’s college counselor, I still cannot discern the root of her lamentable life choices, but please consider her for admission to your university nonetheless.

Best wishes,

[Name redacted]

For Benjamin:

To whom it may concern at Cornell University,

I am writing to advocate for the acceptance of one of my students to your school.

In all honesty, Benjamin is in no way suited for your college: He plays video games too much, lacks motivation and almost never takes the initiative to pursue new opportunities. You may think one redeeming quality may lie in his acceptable test scores, but make no mistake: Those were all heavily dependent on luck. However, should you choose to accept him, I will have one more Ivy-League student to boost my career records, so I urge you to at least glimpse at the few positive aspects of his application.

While his extracurriculars may seem dismal upon first glance, they are actually one of Benjamin’s strong suits. He only pursues activities he holds a genuine interest in, a rare quality among the college-crazed high school students these days. The few he has should be more considered important than the plethora listed on other students’ applications. 

In addition, Benjamin’s ability to ignore my advice is among the best I have ever seen, and I consider it to be a sign of a strong-willed, independent leader who will forge his own path in life. Every remark made toward him, positive or negative, goes out the other ear, courtesy of his impressive mental fortitude.

If Steve Jobs had succumbed to the criticism and advice thrown at him, he would never have been able to successfully build Apple; I’m not suggesting that Benjamin is the Next Big Thing, but this singular shared characteristic could count for something. Maybe.

Lastly, I would like to highlight his impressive ability to sleep. While some may look upon this aspect as a sign of laziness, I see a relentless desire to be energetic the next day — a characteristic owned by those with forward-thinking minds. Rest assured, Benjamin will not experience the burnout many college students face during their undergraduate experience, and if you’re lucky, he may even teach other students his methods.

Please consider Benjamin’s admission for the sake of my resume — as well as his future, but that’s neither here nor there.

Best wishes,

[Name redacted]