When the Lifestyles section editors instructed us to begin practicing the art of horoscopy, we thought it would be extremely easy. After all, we already had some experience with being psychics. Just feel the vibes from our Gemini friends and we’d be set, right?
Unfortunately, it turns out that horoscopes are much more complex than that. Not only did we need to come up with 12 fortune-cookie descriptions, but we also needed to somehow relate them to astrological signs and provide “scientific” evidence.
We looked up some examples online from horoscope.com to learn more, but we were stopped in our tracks by the sheer ambiguity of everything. We scrolled through vague gesturing and broad half-statements and were struck by how low effort they seemed. It felt like the word vomit of a reporter struggling to reach word count without actually knowing what the story is about (sound familiar? Clearly not).
However, a few basic stereotypes did eventually emerge. Cancers are likely to be read as tenacious introverts, because Cancer is a crab, and anyone who has had a pet crab knows how shy they are. Seemed like a pretty logical connection to us. Pisces, being fish, enjoy swimming. We found two Pisces, seniors Jeffrey Ma and Xu, who did not enjoy swimming, but we counted them as statistical anomalies. Maybe their birthdays were wrong.
We decided to get closer to the stars, to better understand them. After meditating on the roof of the J-room over the course of Ski Week, the only thing more intense than our malnutrition was our connection with the Zodiac.
At this point, we felt like we had a pretty solid grasp of what was written into the stars. We decided to just jump into making the Saratoga Falcon’s very first horoscope.
Aries: Warrior Mars is in your house, meaning that you will find luck in armed combat this week. However, use your good fortune sparingly, because soon Mars will depart and you will be left to face the consequences of your Martian decisions.
Taurus: You are going to read the Saratoga Falcon today.
Gemini: You will have an EXCELLENT week, if you like bad weeks. Bad, that is, for your enemies! Because they will finally achieve their VENGEANCE and find themselves left WITHOUT MEANING. But little do they know you will have ESCAPED to a place FAR FAR AWAY. In reality, though…
Cancer: You are a crab. We do not dare say more.
Leo: Mercury will soon enter your house, so be wary of those around you. Don’t trust any Virgos, especially the ones that seem kind on the outside. They are planning something.
Virgo: Good fortune comes to those who wait. Be gracious and generous to those around you.
Libra: Venus, your ruling planet, has returned to your house, which means good looks are in store. Over the coming weeks, you will see more beauty in others.
Scorpio: As the moon moves across your domain, you will find quarters appearing in the change bins of vending machines two percent more often than usual.
Sagittarius: Your power planet, Jupiter, is still the biggest in the Solar System. Good for you!
Capricorn: Saturn’s probably doing something around your constellation. (Honestly at this point we’ve stopped researching entirely.) We think you’re a sheep or something?
Aquarius: What even is an Aquarius? We’d guess fish or crab, but they have already been taken. Maybe you’re a giant squid. Oh well.
Pisces: We’re not sure about your future, but you probably like swimming.