Top 10: places where I’ve worked on my college application essays (and why you shouldn’t)

My Common App essay after two months of fruitful progress.

When I say “worked on,” I really mean “stared at a blank screen for hours.”

10. My bed

DO NOT do this unless you want your dream school to stay in your dreams. I mean that literally.

9. The Saratoga Library

I write my best essays when I’m surrounded by a plethora of inspiring arts, culture and knowledge. Evidently, the only free seat I could find was next to the Colleen Hoover display.

8. On a road trip to Los Angeles

Nothing gets those neurons firing like the fragrant aroma of Coalinga cow manure. Bonus points if you roll the windows down and take in the breeze!

7. The Starbucks at Argonaut

If you’re OK with crusty coffee stains on the tables and random old people staring at your laptop through the giant windows, be my guest.

6. The journalism room

It’s all fun and games until you’re trying to write a supplemental essay during spreadsheet check and Falcon editor-in-chief Nikhil Mathihalli starts yelling at you for not working on newspaper.

5. Sue’s Gallery Café

Pros: Super aesthetic and calming environment makes you feel productive. Cons: $14 toast. Broke people should never laugh.

4. During Economics teacher Kirk Abe’s Jeopardy test review

What’s really in jeopardy here is your 650 word “Why Wisconsin” essay. Monetary policy can wait — go get on your zoom.

3. When I pulled myself over on the side of Saratoga-Los Gatos Road

Is it giving spontaneous genius or is it giving questionable driver? You decide.

2. In a parking lot, blasting Beyoncé’s 2016 masterpiece “Lemonade.”

Prolonged anger at Jay-Z does not put you in the optimal grindset for college applications. Just stick to Beethoven.

1. During my lunch break on the Early Action due date.

If the haters (every college counselor ever) tell you (me) it’s not OK to brainstorm, write and submit a 500-word supplement within 30 minutes, always remember: Diamonds are formed under pressure.