Ask the Falcon: Life advice

The Falcon sought out burning questions from a random sampling of students recently. Here are both the questions and answers.

Q: What’s the best location and activity for a first date?

The Sunnyvale In-N-Out — you can always be sure to bump into your entire grade there, so if things go awry, you’ll have backup options!

Q: How do I manage being the baddest ever? 

No sweat! You aren’t, so there’s nothing to worry about.

Q: Do you have any tips for back pain? 

The easiest way to stop back pain is to regularly touch grass — but if that fails, you can also try stay-at-home solutions like heating pads (your laptop) or getting a foam roller like the ones athletes and yoga grandmas use. Next time Ms. Aoki tells you to maintain your lumbar curve during squats, you better maintain that lumbar curve. 

Q: How do I survive MOSAIC?

You don’t. https://saratogafalcon.org/content/top-10-ways-to-get-out-of-mosaic/ 

Q: Are gelato and ice cream the same thing?

No, not really. 12% of Italians are obese compared to America’s whopping 40%. In terms of taste, gelato and ice cream feel the same to us — but if you’re lactose intolerant, gelato might be slightly more tragic. 

Q: Do you guys know any interesting juniors I can do a mug profile about? 

Absolutely! We would speak with British national William Norwood about his fake accent and immigrant experience. Examples of topics that he has complained about before include the language barrier (he nearly has a stroke whenever he tries to determine what people mean by when they refer to “chips”), a lack of access to proper tea, how slow life here is in America, etc.

Q: How do I prepare for a test?

See senior **’s “How to ___ ___” story from English 11 Honors… iykyk.

Q: Which nonprofits are only made for college?

All of them — if you want a full list, just check the seniors’ LinkedIns! We particularly love the ones where the entire executive leadership team or board just so happens to be one friend group.

Q: Which water fountains and bathrooms are the best?

While most school fountains taste like they’re diluted with students’ tears, the J-room fountain offers high-quality, crystal-clear water. It isn’t even our bias, since teachers sometimes stop by room 303 just to fill their bottles! As for bathrooms, the ones on the second floor of the music building are much cleaner and larger than anywhere else on campus — plus, you’ll even get to skip leg day after making the hike.

Q: What is the meaning of life?

Welcome to AP Lang!

Q: Which teachers give out free food?

Mrs. Scola, Mrs. Keys, Mr. Abe and Mr. Cortez, to name a few.

Q: How do I make friends?

Below are a few options to initiate contact:

1. Start braiding their hair out of nowhere. They’ll definitely appreciate a stranger’s hands caressing their head — it’s intellectually stimulating!
2. Stalk their parents’ Facebook, print out their baby photos, and give them to them as a way to introduce yourself. What a nostalgic way to begin a beautiful friendship!
3. Invite them over to your house for a playdate. You bring the apple juice, I’ll get the cookies?
4. Wait outside the door of their fourth-period class, introduce yourself with “I’ve been waiting for you” and then wink. Please send us an invite to witness this — we’re in Room 303.