Pumpkin-spice products prove vomit-inducing

The automatic doors of Trader Joe’s slowly slid open, and we were immediately faced with a bulging, orange sign reading  “Pumpkin flavored items start at $2.99!”

With the arrival of fall, pumpkin-flavored foods have inundated the shelves of all grocery stores, even  spawning their own aisle. The pumpkin treats proved endless, as we saw pumpkin bread mix, pumpkin ravioli and even pumpkin-flavored dog treats. Pumpkin fever had officially hit America.

We quickly stashed the strangest pumpkin-flavored items into our cart. Our stomachs churned in fear of the orange spread ahead, as we settled on trying the pumpkin tortilla chips first.

The delicate toasted chips seasoned with a light sprinkling of  pumpkin spice and cinnamon possessed an odd juxtaposition of flavors, as the sweet and salty tones blended in our mouths. The first bite was met with nose crinkles and mouth gags. However, as we consumed chip after chip, the pumpkin spice flavors formed a perfect fusion of autumnal goodness and salty carbs.

Next, we dug into the pumpkin spice cookie butter. The side of the packaging read, “All you have to do is taste it to understand!” The message made us hope for the best, but after tearing off the packaging, our expectations took a deep dive: The vile, saccharine scent of pumpkin puree flooded our nostrils. We each spooned a tiny glob of the appalling grainy, orange cream, cringing simultaneously.

Yes, Trader Joe’s, we understand what you mean now.  All you have to do is taste it to understand that the cookie butter is some of the most unpalatable garbage on this planet.

After that scarring experience, we courageously took on the the Pumpkin Joe Joe’s, an oreo-like pastry filled with pumpkin buttercream sandwiched between two pumpkin infused cookies. The pungent taste of artificial sugar created a disgusting discordance on our tastebuds. Our eyes traced the room, searching for the nearest trash bin to spit out the revolting concoction.

The final item on our list was the pumpkin biscotti. After sniffing the brown, stiff sticks for a moment, we dug into them. Our teeths clamped onto the biscotti, chomping in vain as the rigidness forbade any progress. With half the brown bread peeking out from our mouth, we sat for five minutes, frantically attempting to chow the biscotti down.  At this point, Eric’s mother saw us struggling and pointed out that we were suppose to eat it with coffee. The pumpkin biscotti/coffee combination proved surprisingly delicious. The buttery taste of the biscotti blended effortlessly with the bitterness of the coffee, forging a melodious flavor.

After finishing the terrifying pumpkin taste-testing adventure, we found the pumpkin tortilla chips to be the winner, a 10 out of 10. They were quite addictive, and we cleaned out entire bag within minutes.

The biscotti followed in a close second, while the rest of the pumpkin items tasted of vomit-inducing, head-spinning and eye-watering sweetness. The hour we spent tasting the various Trader Joe’s pumpkin offerings left us disappointed and horrified.

All in all, we guess you could say that we are no longer so pumped about trying pumpkin-flavored food.