Predictions for a stressful week

March 31, 2022 — by Shannon Ma
Astrology is wonderful, but horoscope sites are infuriatingly useless
Predictions that can be enjoyed by those who are not knowledgeable about astrology

Are you doubtful of those sketchy websites that display daily horoscopes for your zodiac sign? Don’t get me wrong. I love astrology — it’s fascinating. But for most people (including me), the nuances of astrology — your houses and suns and retrogrades — are complicated and confusing, and, in turn, often oversimplified for palatability. 

Imagine this: You’re stressed out of your mind at the prospect of three consecutive tests and a paper due the next day. Desperate for a trace of good luck, you Google your horoscope for tomorrow and click on a janky astrology wixsite. You’re greeted by the words: If you’re a Virgo, you will embark on the best vacation of your life.

You nearly cry in frustration and disappointment because (a) you have no clue what sign you are, much less what a Virgo is, and (b) the scenario, although positive, is so unrealistic and vague that there is no point in holding onto any hope of fruition.

But don’t fret, dear fellow Falcons. I’m here to give you week-long predictions tailored to students of all astrological orientations, and convenient to use whether you are an astrology genius or not. And you don’t even need to know your birthday!


Monday: Mercury and Saturn commingle in the sky

You have a crucial in-class essay on “Of Mice and Men” waiting for you in your English 9 class. You, my friend, are going to ace this assignment because you adore the novel so much. Not only will you craft an immaculate thesis, choose exceptional pieces of evidence and spew groundbreaking analysis, but you will write so efficiently that you will finish the essay within 30 minutes, just half of the allotted time. 

You will head home feeling extremely proud of yourself for your effortless performance on the essay. As you walk home, a mouse will cross your path. Unlike Lennie, you’ll let it live. 


Tuesday: Mars and Uranus argue, give each other the silent treatment

You will wake up to the aggressive splattering of rain on your roof, then look out the window to see that the streets are near-flooded. The power will be out and you will receive notice that school is canceled for the day! 

As the dedicated student you are, you will devote your newfound free time and burst of energy to studying for the upcoming Mr. Yim math test on Thursday.


Wednesday: Moon and Saturn canoodle

You will be back at school and today’s your lucky day: You will walk headfirst into a pole. As I typed the previous sentence (on a Wednesday), junior Christina Chang exclaimed, “That happened to me today! I got a big bump on my head and Mr. Tyler asked me if I got bitten by a giant mosquito this morning. I said, ‘yup.’”

OK, that second part is made up, but this head-bumping scenario is kismet; perfection. Don’t bother watching out for poles throughout the day because fate is inevitable and if my prediction says you will bump into a pole, you will.


Thursday: Mercury in tardigrade

Your calculus test is first thing in the morning. However, your head will start to throb violently during the test. You will assume that it’s because the math is straining your brain cells … so you will power through and finish anyway.

Post-test, your headache will only increase by the minute, and you will be rushed to the health office, where you’ll attempt to communicate through a window like a drive-through. You will receive the lovely news that your little head bump situation resulted in a concussion.

Back home again for the day.


Friday: Neptune and Pluto have a dance-off

Abiding by doctor’s orders, you will have to miss school. But it’s not much better at home. No, not at all. 

In the morning there will be another downpour of rain, which will transition into hail. The sound of ice pellets hitting your roof will make your head pound abominably, and when you hear a deafening crack of lightning outside your window at precisely 10 a.m., your skull will feel like it split open.

The lightning will strike a tree outside your window and it will burst into flames. Within seconds, your entire house, including yourself, will become engulfed in fire. The hail will pound down directly on your body, putting out some of the fire but also causing tremendous pain. The pellets hitting you will make it feel like someone is stepping on you … 

You will wake to the feeling of your cat’s paws treading shamelessly over your body. Your head will throb just as much as before, but you will realize that there is no lightning, no tree, no burned down house. You will rub your groggy eyes and think, wow, my concussion must be severe if my dreams are this graphic and nightmarish. You proceed to enjoy some quality bonding time with your cat. 

Congratulations! You can look forward to a bumpy school week that will quite literally make your head spin, but you can be sure that it’ll end on a sweet note. 

Horoscope websites, compared to my expert forecasts, merely reduce the intriguing art of astrology to cheap entertainment. There is no value or fun in reading a slew of vague, unoriginal statements that barely tie to astrology. 

And how do you know that the site’s predictions will come true? You’ll only hold some belief for the statements if you are knowledgeable about astrology. If not, then you will feel incredibly disconnected as you read the predictions, and not just because the statements are lame.

Being non-astrology based gives me a broader and more diverse audience because anyone can believe in my predictions. Even those who don’t believe me will see: I’m just built to be correct.

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