Fortune cookies may not crack me up, but I sure do crack them (and myself) up

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A delicious fortune cookie

Strolling past the cash register of Newark Buffet — a restaurant I regularly visited in my childhood — my 8-year-old self’s eyes latched onto a gleaming glass bowl that overflowed with individually wrapped fortune cookies. Before my parents walked out the restaurant door, I swiftly snatched a cookie, saving it as a sweet car ride snack. 

“Crunch!” A train of cookie crumbs littered the car seat as I cracked open my first-ever fortune cookie. I closed my eyes in anticipation as I pulled out the small slip of paper that held all of my hopes, dreams and future, praying for something great like world peace … or the end to world hunger … or maybe even a Shopkins Metallic Mystery Micro Mart with 100 pieces including 4 special editions.

Unfortunately, my fortune was rather disappointing, stating: “You will receive a potted plant.”

I did not receive a potted plant. 

Despite my underwhelming experience with the “potted plant” fortune, eight years later, I’ve decided to give fortune cookies another chance and once again put my luck to the test. 

In other words, I opened (and ate!) fortune cookies for a week. Here are my thoughts…

Monday: “You will find what you have lost once you stop looking for it.”

Hold on … while walking to school, I lost my 11.0 GPA and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard. Whoops, it must have slipped away while I was crossing the street! Good thing I’m not looking for any of that. Now I can just sit back, relax and wait for it to find me. 

Tuesday: “It is quality rather than quantity that matters. Do a good job tomorrow.”

I had no idea that fortunes could be so demanding. I was peacefully sitting at my desk and cracking open the fortune when it bombarded me with a threat to “do a good job.” 

Given the large “quantity” of homework I’m doing without “good quality,” I will not be doing a good job today, tomorrow or the day after.

Wednesday: “An unexpected visitor will bring you good blessings.”

Guess what, this fortune actually came true! Crazy, right? 

After spending the entire afternoon locked up in my room cramming APUSH readings, I heard a knock on the door. Turns out it was my sweet, elderly neighbor who brought over a basket full of holiday treats including frosted cookies, chocolates and pretzels.

Thursday: “Linger over dinner discussions this week for needed advice.”

Today, I paid extra attention to my parents’ dinner discussions, hoping for some kind of life-changing advice. To my surprise, my mom asked my dad why there was an Amazon order for a mega-pack of 50 fortune cookies. Shh…this is all for school purposes (hehe).

Friday: “You will live a long, prosperous life.”

This has gotta be the most stereotypical fortune I’ve ever seen in my life; they’re really starting to lack creativity. To test this fortune, I completed this “How Many Years Do You Have Left To Live” quiz. Guess what! According to this very reliable quiz, I will be able to live for a wonderful ten more years until the ripe old age of 26, hooray!

Saturday: “Now is the time for peace in your life. Go along with others’ ideas.”

How come this fortune is so sure that I need more peace in my life? I’m doing just fine, thank you. Now that my older sister has been kicked out of the house (aka, she has gone off to college), my days can go by calmly without a single person yelling at me to get them a brand new bottle of shampoo while showering. 

Sunday: “Keep your eyes open on Thursday for a special opportunity.”

It’s already Sunday, so I guess next Thursday? I think these fortunes are really trying to hint at something to me. That special opportunity will definitely be an opportunity to earn … a 11.0 GPA and full-ride scholarship to Harvard. Right?