Categorizing ‘Game of Thrones’ characters from least to most poisonable

 “Game of Thrones” — with the exception of its disastrous eighth season — is a must-watch because of its characters. My favorite (and least favorite) are below. 

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

 

Undoubtedly carried the show:

1. Olenna Tyrell: Honestly, all the main characters paled in comparison to this superstar granny. She is the crème de la crème of the 553 named characters that appear on the show. Olenna, played by Diana Rigg, is hilariously outspoken with an endless supply of witty comments to make. Even I cried when she died, and I don’t cry.

2. Tyrion Lannister: The dwarf Tyrion, played by Peter Dinklage, is by far the shortest and wittiest character, though he receives constant hate from most of his own family. Despite occasionally being found sprawled drunk in bed after a night’s adventure, Tyrion also leads the most key battles and entertains viewers with his cynical jokes.

3. Arya Stark: After losing half her family at a young age and battling blindness and killers, Arya’s cold-blooded desire for revenge against the Lannisters fuels her journey through Westeros and Essos, developing her from an irresponsible little girl to the hero of the show. She is played perfectly by Maisie Williams.

4. Jaime Lannister: Jamie’s sympathy for his younger brother is a reason people defended him throughout the show. Though Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) pursues an incestuous relationship with his sister and commits several despicable acts (such as permanently paralyzing a 7-year-old, strangling his cousin to death and attempting to murder Robb to name a few), after losing his sword hand, Jamie is humbled and completely changes his personality, almost redeeming himself by later saving Brienne’s life and fighting for Winterfell.

 

Likely does not belong this high up or this low down:

5. Daenerys Targaryen: If you looked in a dictionary for the definition of an overachiever, you would find Danaerys’ headshot. Throughout the seasons, Daenerys, played by Emilia Clarke, remains a strong symbol of freedom and hope; however, in the poor rewrite of season 8 the writers absolutely tore her character up. When I mean tore, I mean they put her sanity in a blender, chewed it up and spit her out in an unsuspecting Jon Snow’s lap. The poor rewrite and genocidal plots the writers put Daenerys’ character through in Season 8 dropped her from the best character to a bloodthirsty savage.

6. Jon Snow: I hate this man with a passion. The only reason he is so high up is that, unfortunately, he is one of the main characters of the show. Jon, played by Kit Harrington, becomes irritating and arrogant after he discovers he has Targaryen blood in him. Despite his unshakable pride, Jon relies heavily on Sansa’s support to become King in the North, he betrays and kills Danaerys who is also his aunt/lover, always ignores good advice and never learns from his mistakes. Jon’s annoying personality leads to him being murdered, though he is unfortunately resurrected by Melisandre. 

7. Cersei Lannister: Acting-wise, Lena Headey does a phenomenal job portraying one of the most dislikable and villainous characters in the show. Character-wise, however, I wouldn’t have minded throwing a few punches at Cersei to set her straight before she was so wonderfully crushed by rocks. Her faults are ghastly: She sleeps with virtually every other male member of her family, wrongly accuses her own brother of her son’s death, forces that same brother and her deceased son’s ex-wife to marry, seduces a minor who also happens to be her cousin, helps kill her own husband, kills dozens of children and so on. Her only redeeming quality is that Cersei loves her children more than life itself. She would turn the world upside down for them. When I say turn the world upside down, I mean literally. Cersei practically burns down half of King’s Landing and destroys the Great Sept of Baylor out of anger over her son.

8. Brandon (Bran) Stark: Once again, Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) is only up here because he is now the King. Let’s face it, we all hated Bran — he’s whiny, self-centered, boring and never seems to die.

9. Theon Greyjoy: Theon, played by Alfie Allen, is a rude and privileged jerk. He attempts to seduce one of the Stark captives and betrays the entire family, leading to the downfall of the North and kills two innocent orphan’s as a cherry on top. That being said, the scene where Theon is castrated by Ramsay is absolutely delightful, as it encapsulates the best and worst of Theon and Ramsay’s character in a dark light.

10. Grey Worm: I REALLY wanted to like him. His tragic backstory and watching Jacob Anderson play Grey Worm watch his lover be beheaded was heartbreaking. Though Grey Worm slaughtering Lannister soldiers was completely justified, it also leads a movement for Northerners to murder innocent people. 

 

The “meh” character:

11. Sansa Stark: Yes, I KNOW. Sansa (Sophie Turner) is all the way down here. Sansa is blatantly stupid and ignorant. When Joffrey decides to kill Arya’s friend for absolutely no reason at all, Sansa gushes over him and commends his bravery. Sansa completely ignores anything that does not directly affect herself, and always lets her ideas of an ideal life married to the perfect guy in King’s Landing blindsight her decisions, leading to her father’s death. Sansa is selfish, inconsiderate and unfit to lead anyone, much less the entire North.

 

If Season 8 was a character:

12. Robb Stark: Robb, played by Richard Madden, was so stupid it’s hard not to laugh when you think about his actions. He agreed to promise himself to one of Walter Frey’s daughters in exchange for Frey’s support, yet isn’t able to keep his pants long enough to follow through. Out of pure selfishness and stupidity, Robb decides to completely ignore the oath he and his mother make and runs off to impregnate a random woman named Talisa, whom he has known for a max of 20 seconds. 

13. Tommen Baratheon: God, what a loser. I know he was only 12 when he was forced to marry Margaery and take over Westeros, but seriously? He had an entire team of skilled advisors on his side and his mother watching his every move, but amazingly still failed. Tommen is incompetent, weak, straight up stupid, gullible and seriously annoying. Dean-Charles Chapman’s annoying babyface will always be engraved in my head as the actor who played the character that ruined this show.

 

Would risk jail time to give them a good beat up:

14. Joffrey Baratheon: May he rest in pain. Portrayed by Jack Gleeson, Joffrey is the most loathsome, ungrateful, spoiled, idiotic and insane character to exist in television history. Everyone I know who has watched this show either laughed or clapped when he died. He forces Sansa to look at her father’s decapitated head, and becomes upset when she does not “enjoy” it.

15. Shae: Remember all those horror stories about failed relationships on Reddit? Well, they all likely came from Shae’s actions. Tyrion falls in love with yet another prostitute, and this one puts him on trial for murder and sleeps with his father. His father. Also, Shae (Sibel Kekilli) gets murdered by a man who is literally 4 feet tall. Let that sink in.

16. Petyr Baelish (Littefinger): Littlefinger, played by Aidan Gillen, looks like a pedophile, and honestly is. Littlefinger essentially grooms Sansa to become his wife, and kills multiple people to fulfill his desire of being with a Tully woman, despite once being in love with Sansa’s mother Catelyn. 

17. High Sparrow: Honestly, the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce) was not evil, just mind-numbingly stupid. He truly did believe that what he was doing was for the best, even if it was actually genocidal and wildly inappropriate. 

18. Ramsay Bolton: I could go on forever about this guy and his psychological issues, but I’ve already put you through 1,300 words of this so I’ll keep the rest of these short and mean. Ramsay, played by Iwan Rheon, is a psychotic power hungry little sociopath. He is able to kill children without a second thought, flays grandmothers for sport and kills his own family for dessert. 

 

Who even are these again?

19. I’m not even going to bother looking up these characters’ names. I’ve watched the show four times and still don’t remember who they are; at this point, it’s not me, it’s them.