Can you get Santa to admit he isn’t Santa?

As I walked into Westfield Valley Fair Mall on Nov. 16, I was filled with apprehension. My mission? To get the mall Santa to admit he isn’t actually Santa.

Growing up, I did not believe in Santa for long, as I have extremely practical Chinese parents. As soon as I was 4, my parents made it clear to me that they were the ones giving me presents, not some magical trespasser with flying herd animals.

As a result, I was never interested in taking pictures with the mall Santa and telling him my Christmas wishes.

This would be my first time talking to Santa. However, I wasn’t sure exactly how to go about accusing a Santa of being a fraud. How do you ask “Santa” if he is real or not?

After loitering around the photo area for 20 minutes or so, I summoned my courage and walked over to the set. Santa’s elves had just finished re-applying his makeup. Who knew that he wears makeup? I guess even Santa needs a few touch-ups sometimes.

As the oldest person in Santa’s photo line, I was sure Santa knew something was up. I was hoping he wouldn’t add me to his naughty list for snooping around.

Calling to Santa, I asked, “Can I talk to you without taking a photo?” Santa didn’t seem to be too surprised, replying with a cheery “Sure!” All of my carefully laid-out plans for approaching the touchy subject suddenly vanished from my mind.

Originally, I was going to ease into the big question by asking about what it takes to be Santa, but early planning never seems to work out for me. Putting on my best innocent-child smile I asked, “Are you really Santa?”

He gave me a skeptical smile. I believe that he thought that I was old enough to deal with the catastrophic truth.

Now, I had expected this task to be a much greater challenge. However, Santa looked at me extremely gravely and, looming at least a foot over me, he replied, “Do you want the truth? I’m not.”

Thankfully, there were no children present at this time. I would have hated to be the cause of their shattered dreams and tears.

I had feared that Santa would be extremely protective of his status as a mall Santa and that disgruntled mall employees or parents would throw me out of the mall. Fortunately, this Santa was pretty awesome.

He explained that while he didn’t make any promises, he always would try to fulfill a child’s Christmas dream.

Our “interview” ended with him offering me an application to become one of his elves. Maybe I’ll take him up on that offer next time. I wonder what I’d look like wearing all red and green with pointy shoes and an elf hat.