Can the stars see my future? I tracked my ‘horrorscope’ for a day

I spy with my little eye the sky and the stars — not my future.

Astrology is my worst nightmare — it’s pseudoscience with an emphasis on the pseudo. To prove my point, I tried it out myself.

What’s your astrology sign? Let me rephrase that — what’s your “horrorscope.” Reading articles about how to read daily horoscopes ran a chill down my spine: You should take into account your rising sign, moon sign, 12 houses and birth placement, but not your sun sign. Astrology, in my opinion, is total pseudoscience.

Say you’re trying to figure out how many watermelons Tim has left after Gerry eats 15 — you can use the quadratic formula, the derivative of the rate Gerry eats them at or the arcsine of Tim over Gerry — but no matter how complicated you make it, you will never know how many watermelons Tim starts with. At this point, you would waste less time blind guessing.

But metaphors aside, people seem utterly bewitched by their horoscopes, even taking the time to meticulously record them and gawk at statements that sound like they’re from a fortune cookie like, “I opened my eyes to new opportunities today.” This is why on March 16, I did exactly this for a day: moon sign, rising sign and random sign (for comparison) — to prove that “horrorscopes” are not science, or even magic:

Moon Sign: Pisces

A long phone conversation could take place between you and a romantic partner, Pisces. You could discuss philosophy, current events, the weather and your opinions. The only thing you probably won’t touch on is the status of your relationship, which could be frustrating for you. Nonetheless, you will learn a lot about your feelings that will enable you to understand each other better.

Rising Sign: Gemini

Today you might receive intense telepathic communications from someone you don’t know very well, Gemini. This might be symptomatic of strong ESP abilities (aka “sixth sense” abilities), or it might be that this person is sending out distress signals to everyone he or she knows. If you feel comfortable with the idea, you might try to get to know the person a little better. This person could need a friend right now.

Random Sign: Sagittarius

This morning, Sagittarius, you could see nothing but piles of papers that you have no use for. You might go through them like a house afire, wanting to clear out as much clutter as you can. This is always good. A cluttered house parallels a cluttered mind. However, make certain you at least scan each thing before you discard it. You don’t want to throw something out you may need later.

It’s time to pick Pis-ces to pie-ces.

The longest phone call I had that day lasted a grand total of 12 seconds, and it was about waste bins — definitely straight out of a trashy romance novel.

As for my rising sign, Gemini’s prediction was so off-the-birth-charts wrong that it hurt like a gem-in-eye. Where in the world did “telepathic communications” come from? My bad, the aliens must be interfering with my strong “ESP” abilities.

That being said, Sagittarius was much more accurate. I could no longer stand the way my binder ceased to be a triangle, because all the paper it was filled with brought the ends in parallel with the spine. So I took out nearly half of my Chemistry and Digital Electronics papers and put them all in a file cabinet. (Yay for organization!)

But even if a few horoscopes may have turned out to be somewhat true, they are also ridiculously broad, and can be applied to virtually any situation: “Don’t resist any urge to get up and do something active.” I could go cliff-diving, or I could do a lap around my rug.

And after looking into the theory of astrology, I become less and less convinced that it has any merit. What do the planets aligning or “entering retrograde” have to do with your day-to-day life? Take two twins: their horoscope, down to the rising sign, will always be the same, but ask any pair: their days can progress completely differently.

Honestly, you’re better off checking your mood with the moon — once every moon cycle, your stress may grow due to natural forces called … menstruation. Your period, for my girly pops.

I’ll admit that, by calling out your day and badgering you with positive encouragement, horoscopes can lead you to be more motivated and self-fulfill your daily prophecy. So if after all this, you still subscribe to astrology, carry on — I am sure that, one day, the stars will align in your favor.