CON REVIEW “City of Bones”: a gigantic disappointment

A lovestruck voice rang through the theater, crooning “Your love lifts me out of time,” as glowing bubbles floated through the badly animated greenhouse. As if made by gears, pink and purple flowers spiraled open and released a flurry of glitter. 

Sound like an awful scene infused with 20 clichés too many? That’s because it was part of “City of Bones,” which has the unfortunate distinction of being the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I’m being kind when I say that the movie crashed in a sizzling pile of ashes. 

“City of Bones” is an adaptation of the bestselling Mortal Instruments series, in which teenage Clary (Lily Collins) discovers after her mother’s disappearance that she is related to the Shadowhunters, a group of warriors whose mandate is to fight demons and protect the human world. 

Let’s just say I didn’t like the source material that much from the start, and this was a bad makeover of a boring book.  All I learned was how long I can stay awake in a dark theater with comfortable chairs.

Despite the fact I had already read the book, I had trouble following the lightning-paced introduction, which jumps from “I’m just a normal kid” to “I’m running for my life” in around 2 minutes. 

The remainder of the movie wasn’t much better. The constant references to mythology, including vampires and werewolves, meshed badly with the setting of contemporary New York. From lava monsters gliding past the Statue of Liberty to demonic little girls jumping rope next to Starbucks, the contrast left me confused about what was going on. 

In addition, I found the romantic subplot between Clary and Jace totally unrealistic. In one scene, Clary barely escapes with her life after an (unnecessary) conflict with vampires, and in exhaustion just “happens” to fall on top of Jace. In another, she’s stumbling down stairs when she trips and somehow finds herself in Jace’s arms. Their kiss was so cheesy I couldn’t even watch it without cracking up.

The character development was devoid of any depth whatsoever. Clary was the movie’s worst character — without personality, without intelligence, and without fighting ability. All she did was gambol around almost getting people killed until a completely illogical, improbable plot twist would save her. 

Not only that, the animation was just plain awful. I wasn’t sure if they were trying to make it look realistic or make us laugh. Considering “The City of Bones” had a budget of $60 million, that’s pretty sad. 

If you see this movie, don’t say I didn’t warn you.