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The Saratoga Falcon

The Saratoga Falcon

Spoof: Reporter details life post-apocalypse

Dec. 21, 11:11 p.m.: The sky just turned dark. The sun has disappeared. The end is beginning. I don’t know what will be worse: the solar flare or the destruction that will come after the “end of the world”. Oh well, now I am going to take cover in my bunker and hope for the best. My shelter should protect me from the chaos.
Day 4 7:50 a.m.: It seems that my neighbors have all perished. My family and I are the only survivors of the solar flare predicted by the Mayans. We have enough supplies to last for a while. We are unable to leave the house as the solar flare might have left pockets of radiation harmful to humans throughout the neighborhood. Days seem to stretch on and on. There is nothing to do during the day.

Day 9. 5:40 p.m.: The sun taunts me to go outside and frolick and bask in the sunlight. I am still unable to go outside because of the leftover radiation from the solar flare. There is still no sign of the neighbors. It seems that they have all been incinerated in the solar flare or are pent up in their houses. Morale with the family is staying up even though it is very difficult being pent up with them in a house for days.

Day 15. 4:35 p.m.: The strangest thing happened today. The sun sank below the horizon, and the sky turned dark. What was happening I will never know. I still am unable to play outside so I am relegated to running around in the house. My jolly days of baseball had come to a crashing end, as my love for the outdoors intensified for every moment I was cooped up in this house. The morale between the family members is gradually weakening. Everyone is a lot more tense and  confrontational. Supplies are starting to deplete and not being able to scrounge for food is hard on everyone’s psyche.

Day 21. 7:53 p.m.: Supplies are running low. The family is starting to fall apart. We are rationing the food now. The environment is becoming pugnacious and negative. With only a modicum of food, every day the family is coming closer to the brink of starvation. I will brave the radiation in hopes of getting to the store and getting the much needed supplies.

Day 24: 10:15 a.m.: It is a sunny day. I walk out of the house and start heading towards Safeway. I still have not seen any of my neighbors, but I don’t feel any of the radioactivity that should have been left from the end of the world. I finally make it to Safeway and as I walk into the parking lot, I notice a very strange phenomenon. There are cars in the parking lot.

As I tentatively walk through the door, I find that it is buzzing with activity and people seem to be shopping like they would before the apocalypse. They all look at me strangely. I guess wearing a gas mask and a Haz-mat suit into Safeway isn’t protocol. There can only be one explanation for this: The Apocalypse never happened.

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