I’m enjoying a delicious meal when suddenly, the disgusting sound of loud, squishy chewing fills the air. My appetite evaporates and I visibly gag, hoping you will get the hint. But you don’t, and I’m forced to continue eating through the horrific and obnoxious noise.

Why are you decreasing your eating efficiency by smacking your lips every time you unhinge your jaw? Why can I hear your sickening chomping and ramen slurping from two tables away? Why can I see your gross chewed-up food spread across your tongue like a dollar store version of DIY butter on toast?

And it’s not just you. No, seriously. Everyone who believes in unconditional love has never heard my dad chew.