I’ll be honest. I’m not very nice.

It’s not something I’ve ever been ashamed of. It’s just a part of who I am. And while I’ve never had a problem with my meanness, I suppose others have. So I decided to change it.

When I first made the New Year’s resolution to be nicer, I didn’t know what to expect. 2015 is the first year I’ve made a concrete resolution to follow, and as I’ve learned from previous promises I have made to myself, nothing is long-term for me.

I’ve always found loopholes in my resolutions, and within one or two months, I always return to my old habits. Call me a promise breaker, but I’ve always lacked the willingness to carry them out.

This resolution was different, though: As a second semester senior, I’ve finished all my college applications and standardized testing. With less care about school, I figured I would have less stress in my life, and it wouldn’t be that hard to be nicer to everyone, right?

Contrary to my wishful thinking, being nice was possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Schadenfreude, or deriving pleasure from other’s miseries, has always been something I have done to prevent boredom. I know it sounds horrible, but everyone has their way of having fun, and that’s how I entertain myself.

The  road to becoming nicer was excruciating; even the simplest actions took a lot of effort on my part. Every time I was with my friends, I bit back my teasing words and tried to be positive.  I often changed the conversation to focus on classwork rather than make small talk and risk breaking my resolution.

I frequently reminded myself every one or two periods that I had a resolution to follow, but more often than not, I just forgot my resolution and gave my mind full rein. Luckily, I would remember my goal by the next period, and my niceness would return, at least until the end of school.

But after a week of struggling with my former personality, I gave up on my resolution. There was no way I could completely change my personality, so I just accepted defeat.

That, and also my recent addiction into the popular trivia app Trivia Crack. Dissing knows no bounds in a highly competitive setting.

That’s  not to say that I didn’t learn anything from this challenge. My common courtesy has generally improved; I’m more likely to acknowledge someone’s presence when they enter a group, and the probability of me saying “hi” on the way to class has increased.

I’ve found myself being involuntarily polite, whether online in video games or in classrooms or hallways. A lot of my dialogue contains fewer sarcastic or harsh comments and more constructive or informative ones.

Overall, I’ve learned that I can’t fully change the person I am inside. I’ve tried my hardest to be nicer, but I innately am a cynical, sarcastic person. I hope I can change for the better in the future, but for now, I’ll stick to what I feel like being.