Which of the school’s bathrooms are the best? Are there any to outright avoid?

Those were the questions Eileen and I set out to answer recently (not the highest form of journalism but useful, right?). Excluding the bathrooms located in the gym, music building and near the track, we counted eight total bathrooms near the classrooms. The four boys’ restrooms are found in the 000, 300, 600 and 900 wings, while the four girls’ restrooms are in the old band complex, 000, 300 and 600 wings. 

We judged them by three criteria: cleanliness, bathroom appliances and ambiance.  

1. Cleanliness

Justin: Cleanliness is obviously a necessity for any bathroom, school or otherwise. Thankfully, though, none of the bathrooms at Saratoga are outright disgusting.

Eileen: I have to disagree. Over the course of two years, I’ve found a variety of extremely confusing and hurl-worthy objects in the girls’ bathrooms. Just last week, I walked into the 300 wing bathroom and found a sink filled with hair. WHY? Where did the the hair come from? 

Justin: OK, fine, I can’t pretend like I haven’t had my share of disgusting bathroom incidents. I can’t exactly pinpoint a specific culprit, but sometimes I walk into the bathroom and there’s just … liquid all over the floor. Every time it happens, I have to tiptoe my way to the toilet like some knockoff ballerina, being sure to avoid what I pray is water on the floor. Other than that, though, I think the bathrooms are pretty clean and well maintained.

Eileen: That’s debatable; the feminine hygiene  products inexplicably stuck to the girls’ bathroom mirrors speak for themselves. We’ll agree to disagree.

2. Bathroom fixtures and amenities

Justin: My biggest complaint? The push-down faucet handles that spew water for a timed interval. I guess you could argue that they're meant to conserve water, but can someone please explain to me why some bathrooms have push-down handles and others have regular ones? I don’t get it.

Eileen: My standards for bathroom fixtures are pretty low: All I ask is that they work. But I simply cannot get past the dysfunctionality of the hand dryers. The sole purpose of washing your hands is to rid them of bacteria, but upon drying them, bacteria is all I can see growing out of the hand dryers. 

Justin: Hey, I’ll give the bathrooms some credit. The 900 wing bathroom has a newer hand dryer model, where you don't have to press a button with your damp, recently cleaned hands to start the drying process. The bathroom in the math quad also has a shelf next to the hand dryer, so you can … uh … wait, why is there a shelf there? That doesn’t make sense.

Eileen: Speaking of not making any sense, let’s talk about every single one of the pad and tampon dispensers on this campus. They are literally NEVER stocked. 

3. Ambiance 

Justin: Give us a chance to explain ourselves here: Ambiance is important for a bathroom. Why do people prefer using the bathrooms in their homes rather than at school? The simple answer is familiarity, but another reason is because school bathrooms aren’t welcoming. They just don’t give off those vibes, you know? 

Eileen: Yeah, and you know which bathroom epitomizes bad ambience? The one in the 000 wing, by far. The entrance door gives me goosebumps every time I hear it slam behind me; it’s SO ridiculously loud. The bathroom is also excruciatingly cold, and one of the mirrors have just been replaced with a soap dispenser. Bad vibes, I’m telling you.

Justin: For me, it’s the smell. Everyone knows what I’m talking about. I guess it makes sense that bathrooms smell bad, but is there just no ventilation going on? 

The best bathrooms

Eileen: In my professional opinion, the best girls’ bathroom is the 600 wing bathroom. There’s nothing special about it — which is what makes it so good. Everything actually works and isn’t disgusting.

Justin: After all of this, I think the best boys’ bathroom would have to be the one in the 000 wing. The bathroom has the good faucet handles where you can control how much water comes out, is clean for the most part, and as an added bonus, is pretty close to the quad.