How to never disappoint anyone ever again

For some of you casuals out there, gift giving might seem like a daunting task. But fear not, because it’s a part of my duty as a godsend gift giver to help out those in need.

Pets

Buying someone a pet as an unanticipated gift is the classiest thing you could do. The benefits of doing so are threefold: it provides your recipient with company for when you aren’t there, establishes your emphasis on the importance of responsibility and managing expectations and most importantly, serves as the crowning establishment of your relationship with the recipient. 

Pushing this responsibility onto someone without explicit consent may be off-putting to some, but it’s the most effective way to truly nail the element of surprise in your gift. 

Therefore, I highly recommend giving people you barely know pets. That random guy you brushed past in the hallway? Buy him a satanic leaf tailed gecko as this year’s season’s greetings—you’ll really get to know him that way.

Fruitcake

Always buy fruitcake, and give everyone you see a fruitcake. When you do this, you’re basically telling them that you need to be checked into an insane asylum as soon as possible, and I think everyone needs that reality check every once in a while.

Coal

Santa’s a busy man; you can’t rely on him to aptly vibecheck all your enemies, so you have to take matters into your own hands. Trust me, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Sliding down the chimney in a degenerate Santa costume isn’t the hard part (you’ll get used to it); it’s navigating the house and putting coal in the stockings after chugging down several glasses of milk that can lead to several complications.

Food

Everybody loves food. That’s why if you really want your recipient to appreciate your culinary familiarity, you have to shake up their expectations. Boba? In-N-Out? Those are too basic. Prepare a delicious three-course meal comprising of century eggs, monkey brains, and wasp crackers. It’ll make for a truly once in a lifetime experience, I’m sure.