Working mothers evaluate the implications of their choice of parenthood

When the bell signaling the end of the school day rings, chemistry teacher Kathy Nakamatsu’s work is far from done. After hours explaining chemistry principles to rowdy sophomores and grading tests and labs, Nakamatsu goes home to take care of her 3-year-old son.

“I give out a lot of energy during the day, and when I come home, I have to interact with my son who’s very energetic,” she said. “[Being a working mom] is very hard and very tiring.”

Like many working mothers in the U.S., Nakamatsu struggles to balance her work and home life.

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, over 70 percent of mothers in the United States are in the workforce — almost a 30 percent increase from the 1960s.

One reason for this spike in working mothers is that household expenses have greatly increased since the 1960s, and now two working parents are required in order for a family to get by financially. 

Math teacher Kelly Frangieh, who is a mother of two, said this is especially true in pricey Silicon Valley, where the median home price amounts to a whopping $1.6 million – almost seven times that of the national median.

“It’s such an expensive place to live that few people can do it with a mom staying at home or a dad staying at home,” she said.  

Ever since she was young, Frangieh envisioned herself to be a working mom due to her strong passion for teaching.

Frangieh said that being a working mom has caused her family dynamic to greatly differ from that of the stereotypical 1960s traditional family — where the mother only cooks and takes care of the kids and the father only goes to work — in order to ensure that home responsibilities were met and their kids were taken care of, both parents’ roles had to change. For instance, Frangieh’s husband cooks dinner every night, while Frangieh focuses on managing her children’s school and extracurricular schedules.

The implications of being a working mom don’t just end at an unconventional family structure. Juggling a full-time job and taking care of children may cause working moms to struggle with guilt and self-doubt. 

For Nakamatsu, part of that guilt stems from an internalized stereotype of what the “perfect mother” looks like. 

From the beginning, Nakamatsu was unsure about whether she would continue to be a working mom after having a kid. But after taking a six month maternity leave, where she spent her time in almost complete isolation with her child, Nakamatsu realized that she didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom.

“I give a lot of credit to stay-at-home moms, but I couldn’t do it,” she said. “It’s so isolating to be alone without adults to talk to.”

But Nakamatsu’s journey wasn’t as simple as coming to a conclusion of what type of parenting suited her best. Even after she realized that her personality didn’t fit with being a stay-at-home mom, Nakamatsu still questioned her decision.

“I remember early on, struggling with this idea of ‘why can’t I be a stay home mom what’s wrong with me?’ she said. Like Nakamatsu, Frangieh also experienced many moments of self-doubt being a working mom. In the beginning, when her kids were sick or misbehaving at daycare, she felt the urge to be with them.

Lakshmi Gupta, a former stay-at-home mom of junior Shama Gupta, rejoined the workforce after taking some time off. As a working mom, she said she had often felt “sad and guilty” for not being able to spend enough time with her two daughters, and for things like picking up her daughters late from school due to responsibilities at work.

Gupta stopped working after her youngest daughter, Shama, was born and her family moved to India. Afterwards, she stayed as a stay-at-home for 10 years until Shama reached the fourth grade. 

Although transitioning back to work was not an easy feat for Gupta, who now works as a business systems analyst at a Sunnyvale consulting company, since she had to take multiple classes and complete different certifications to get back up to speed, she said that the memories she created and the bond she formed  with her children during her time as a stay home mom were well worth it. 

“I have made so many amazing memories with my two daughters and I love [those memories],” she said.

Many mothers view staying at home and working to be two completely different experiences of motherhood, but sophomore Shravan Potluri, whose mom works full time at an IT company, said that he doesn’t think that his relationship with her differs dramatically from the relationship he would have had with her if she stayed at home.

“At the end of the day, I receive the same amount of love that anyone without a working mom would receive,” he said.

However, Potluri acknowledged that he wasn’t able to spend as much time as he would like with his mom, since she was often at work. Because of this, he tries to cherish every moment that he has with her.

Nakamatsu does the same when she gets to spend more time with her son over the summer. Throughout her journey, she has realized that motherhood looks different for every person — it’s just a matter of fact of finding what works best for each individual.

“I’m a better mom if I’m not around my child 24/7,” she said. “It doesn’t mean I love my child any less.”