Why Turkeys should be an endangered species

Thanksgiving. Every year, families gather to celebrate this fall holiday. As the color orange starts to seep into every corner of life, good vibes run high and grudges are erased by fall leaves and pumpkins.

Oh yeah, and they also eat an entire bird, for some reason.

They say that turkeys dread the coming of Thanksgiving, because they are scared of being eaten. But they really shouldn’t fear us; rather, we are the true victims of the holiday, being forced to eat inedible strands of fiber called “meat” but more suited to knitting instead. 

Like, whose idea was it to make people eat these things? They taste the same way that losing your inner child feels.

It goes beyond Thanksgiving, too. The existence of turkey as a species is a blight on our world. People who campaign against geese are overlooking the actual worst bird in existence.

The only benefit of hunting turkey for Thanksgiving is to cull their numbers every year. We should burn their corpses completely instead of burning them halfway and then subjecting our taste buds to it. Additionally, we could use them as fertilizer for crops. The point is that eating turkey just seems like an unnecessarily uncomfortable way of getting rid of the meat.

Over the past decades, as turkey populations have increased, the amount of sadness in the world has probably gone up. The line of causation is pretty obvious. Consider this: Would you rather have turkeys or maintain humanity’s joy? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

Also, picture this: You are going about your day, coffee in hand, just trying to get your grades up. Suddenly, a turkey drops down from the ceiling and begins to beat you with a baseball bat. As you lie bruised and bleeding on the ground, you gasp, “Why?” The turkey responds, “because I hate you,” before continuing to hit you, now with a crowbar.

This is something that could hypothetically happen to hundreds of students just like you, every day.

Turkey shouldn’t be eaten during Thanksgiving not only because they taste bad, but because the species itself is reprehensible and doesn’t deserve the attention.

Now that Thanksgiving is rolling around, you may want to consider banishing turkey from your kitchen. If this makes your table feel a little too empty, you can replace it with a pile of sandpaper, or maybe firewood. It would probably taste better.