Wannabe psychic casts net for customers but comes up empty

January 26, 2020 — by Allen Chen

Across history, many have claimed supernatural abilities, from seeing the future to reading minds. Many have even made a business consulting others with their supposed powers. Seeing the exorbitant amounts that famous psychics have been sued for, as well as our town’s resident psychic on Saratoga Avenue, I was inspired to try my hand in the fortune telling business.

Of course, I had no idea how to actually go about this. As far as I could tell, I had no psychic abilities. I didn’t even know how to fake it, and I wasn’t about to pay $120 to see an actual fortune teller to learn. Instead, I found a certificate of achievement for the James van Praagh School of Mystical Arts online and photoshopped my name in. Armed with my new qualifications, I entered the arena of supernatural consultation.

Typically, one would start by doing a few small consultations and selling a few good luck trinkets to build a customer base. I decided to just wing it. I picked up a few cat keychains from Daiso, dug up a hall pass flip flop I had acquired through completely legitimate means and scheduled a grand opening in the school’s lobby (yes, the school has a lobby [it’s in front of the large gym]) for the Friday before Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I posted an advertisement on Facebook and decided it was enough.

It just so happened that I also had an Art Club meeting to go to that I had completely forgotten about. I ended up setting up a stand in the art room, wearing a tiny paper wizard hat and receiving many strange looks from normal club-goers.

Eventually, I started feeling bad for intruding on the club with my business, so I decided to relocate to the cafeteria. Because I looked a little … different, I decided to take the initiative and approach potential customers before they ran away. “Hmmmm,” I said, waving the flip flop over their heads. “I see … a big choice in your future.” My supernatural instincts would typically fail me after this point.

“Can you tell me my college results?” asked one victim. I took the responsible route and said no. Interest in my services quickly plummeted after that.

No doubt I would go bankrupt as an actual fortune teller. But I now have more respect for those who make a living as psychics. Given the sheer lack of interest I saw among potential customers, I now understand why professionals need to charge such high amounts per customer. Although I am now retired from the profession, if any of you ever need your fortunes read or your chakras analyzed, you know where to go.

6 views this week

Add new comment

Prove that you're human:

Photo of the week

On March 27, members of the Air National Guard converted the Santa Clara County Convention Center to a temporary federal facility for about 250 coronavirus patients. The center is to house those who have tested positive for the virus, but don't require intensive in-hospital care. More information can be found through the local news. Photo courtesy of Randy Vazquez of the Bay Area News Group.


Do you like remote learning?


Falcon In Print

Prime time for Indian culture

Scanners streamline tutorial sign-ins

New quarantine policy enforced for coronavirus

Career Day returns to introduce professional paths