Top 10 things that were probably found at Mar-A-Lago

September 17, 2022 — by William Norwood
Photo by Amy Pan
Former president Donald Trump's Monday MAGA hat (probably) found in his Mar-A-Lago closet.
Former president Donald Trump is slaying his way to prison.
  1. 60 hours of subpoenaed video footage from Mar-A-Lago

It’ll be interesting to see how many McDonalds orders arrive in that period of time. My guess is 19.

  1. Seven MAGA hats for Monday through Sunday

If I don’t have my MAGA hat ready for each day, we’re gonna have problems. In fact, I think everyone should have a MAGA hat for each day.

  1. Framed photograph of representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

I knew it! He was just too scared to talk to her in person, so he talked rubbish about her on national TV. But let’s be honest: Everyone secretly or not so secretly adores our queen and savior.

  1. A bust of Donald J. Trump because the White House definitely didn’t want to display it

Send it to Putin. I am sure he will put it in his personal office.

  1. 67 rejection letters from Hogwarts

Dude, you gotta give up — at one point, it starts becoming embarrassing.

  1. A viking hat made out of animal fur

Wait a minute. It’s giving me Jan. 6 flashbacks.

  1. A vial filled with former vice president Mike Pence’s tears 

I would have cried each day if I had to work with Trump.

  1. A participation award for being president

It’s OK, you’ll do better next time. BUT, sometimes it’s just better to give up. Please give up. Please.

  1. An N95 mask covered with fake tan 

Wait, where did the fake tan come from? I thought his skin tone was naturally orange.

  1. Nuclear codes stuffed inside a cup of McDonalds Coke

He’s a little too silly and goofy sometimes, and obviously doesn’t understand the meaning of “CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS.”

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