The lessons I learned from horror movies

October 3, 2021 — by Nidhi Mathihalli
You’re welcome for this free advice.

Yes, it is true. 

I am that one crazy person who loves horror movies, and will watch them on any day of the week, whether it’s my birthday, Christmas or Valentine’s Day. Nearly every time I sit down in front of a screen, you will, without fail, catch me watching a horror movie. I’d like to say that all this horror movie watching has made me a fearless person, but let’s be honest, I’m scared of cooking oil and stubbing my toe.

My horror movie addiction all started when I was 5 years old, when my mother, a veteran horror cinephile, (she literally laughed while watching “The Ring”) was watching an episode of one of the greatest TV shows of all time, “Criminal Minds”. I, being the smooth person that I am, used my amazing spy moves to sneak up behind and watch that episode along with her. 

The episode traumatized me for life, but I learned an important lesson: The criminal is never at home, so if you ever join the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, don’t even bother checking there.

In the following years, I learned so much more from the main characters in horror movies, and since I’m the nicest person of all time, I’ve decided to share the knowledge with you. But do be warned: Horror movies are not necessarily the best source of life lessons.

 

The creepy kid is harmless.

This especially applies to the twins with brown hair and blue dresses that say “Come play with us.” They might seem super ominous, but don’t worry, it’s usually a misdirect. Instead, just go play with them; you probably won’t get possessed.

 

Don’t get your car repaired

It’s OK if it stops working, you won’t die, provided you are the main character. If you’re not the main character, well then, you’re dead meat, kid.

 

Own a nail gun.

They aren’t dangerous … right? If Tucker & Dale can use it, albeit killing everyone with it, then anyone can. Just make sure the safety is on; there might be an entire movie where people kill other people with nail guns (Nail Gun Massacre), but you should be fine as long as you try not to stumble into one.

 

Always buy the dolls that the store owner desperately wants to get rid of.

It’s SURELY not like they want to get rid of them for a reason. The doll DEFINITELY isn’t creepy. There’s a ninety nine point nine nine percent chance that it won’t cause harm, right Chucky?

 

LEAVE YOUR CHARGERS AT HOME

Don’t worry, you don’t need a phone. You can clearly make better decisions than cops, FBI or people who are trained in dealing with serial killers. Sure, you might have gotten a C on the recent Physics test, but let’s be honest, it’s not your fault. It’s because someone messed up the damn curve, OK? So, just believe in yourself and hope that you don’t die.

 

Never listen to the scientist

Why would you listen to someone who who wrote his Ph.D thesis on how to not become a zombie, when you could very well listen to the hot, dumb jock instead?

 

Honestly, just go watch a trashy romcom instead

Watching Shelly “Elle” Evans from “The Kissing Booth” get into Harvard is probably way more unbelievable and horrifying than half of the horror movies I’ve watched. Plus, most horror movies end up with the bad guy winning anyway, so that they can milk the franchise. So just save yourself the time and watch teens make dumb decisions while still geting into Ivy Leagues while you sit there and reconsider your life choices.

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