Skechers are the true patrician footwear

January 22, 2020 — by Allen Chen

"I wear my Deflecktord — Luma Goo shoes in the shower. I wear my Deflecktord — Luma Goo shoes to bed."

Remember nighttime as an elementary schooler? We would play in the backyard, not worried about grades or social lives, feet glowing on the lawn. Skechers used to be the only shoes we were willing to wear. If you didn’t produce a strobe light every time you stomped your feet, you weren’t one of the cool kids.

What happened?

Nowadays, Skechers are maligned and avoided at all costs. The Skechers store in the mall lies barren, populated sparsely with parents and third graders. No longer do our feet light up with every step.

Maybe it’s the tacky colors or the gimmicky lights, but Skechers fails to appeal to America’s teenagers. I am also guilty of this. I remember when I first switched out my velcro shoes for shoelaces. I felt something almost like relief, as if I had just destroyed the evidence of a crime.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Imagine a campus of high schoolers wearing Skechers. Imagine seeing a sea of oversaturated colors every time you looked down. Imagine not having to take three seconds every day to tie your shoelaces. We can make this a reality. Change starts with us.

I personally began the healing process as part of a journalism assignment. I dreaded the day that I would have to dip my feet back into the world of Skechers. I imagined the shame, the embarrassment, of endorsing one of the most meme-d brands in the world.

However, the instant that I saw their sneakers on Google Images, I knew I had found the shoes I was always meant to wear.

Since embracing my inner chaos and spending $40 on a pair of Skechers Luminators: Deflecktord – Luma Goo shoes, I have discovered inner peace. I now live entirely in the moment, anchored to reality by the feet. My shoes help distract me from the horrifying truths of our society.

I wear my Deflecktord — Luma Goo shoes in the shower. I wear my Deflecktord — Luma Goo shoes to bed. Of course, I take them off to wash my feet occasionally. I have to keep the insides of my Skechers clean.

If you are too self-conscious to wear light-up shoes, Skechers actually offers less flashy, “adult” shoes as well. However, if you wear these, your culture level will be capped at only 2 out of 10. This is enough to put you just above a non-Skecher wearer, but nowhere near the perfect 10 of every true Skecher patrician.

So go ahead. Ignore your friends and family and perhaps even your better judgment and buy those velcro, brightly colored Skechers. Even though you’ll be socially ostracized and mocked as “childish,” you can take pride in the fact that you are a member of the true elite. Let them make fun of you. If you ever go into a dark room, just tap the ground with your shoes, and boom. Light. Can their Nikes do that?