My three cents: a dummies’ guide to emojis

September 24, 2022 — by Anika Kapasi
Photo by Annie Liu
The crying emoji with streaming tears and the otter, unlike the laugh crying emoji, will forever be your best friends.
Please don’t use the laugh crying emoji … like ever.

I have three pieces of crucial knowledge when it comes to exploring the extravagant land of emojis. Being the emoji expert, I can tell you right off the bat that when it comes to finding the perfect one, the laughing crying emoji will never be the one. Instead, the crying emoji with streaming tears and the otter emoji are always the way to go.

And I forever stand by that. If I find you using the laugh crying emoji 😂in a literal sense, I will block you. We can’t be associated with each other under those dire circumstances.

The laughing crying emoji brings out the throwing up emoji inside of me — no emoji should ever look that happy with its face plastered with a wide, oddly shaped mouth housing a perfect smile. A flush of anger rushes through my body as the two plump tears and squinting eyes stare into my soul.   

Whenever I receive a laughing crying emoji when I’m texting, I am mortified. I refuse to admit I ever have utilized such an atrocious emoji with seriousness when I see something funny. It doesn’t mean something is genuinely funny; the only thing it’s conveying is ROTFL (rolling on the floor laughing) or LMAO (laughing my a– off) vibes. 

My second piece of life-defining emoji knowledge is the perfect way to reply when someone texts you something embarrassing and you don’t know how to respond: the all-mighty emoji streaming with tears 😭.  

Am I actually crying …? No, definitely not. Am I crying on the inside because of what I just read …? Yes!

The crying emoji truthfully looks like there are tears running down, unlike the fat tears in the laughing crying emoji that resemble sweat marks more so than tears of joy. Its small, open mouth kindly tells the receiver that they just embarrassed themselves, sparking a slither of sympathy into their mind. But it also calls for you to move past whatever that is you’re sad about — it is the perfect way to switch the conversation topic and acknowledge but ignore the previous messages. 

Lastly, as I have gone through my emoji phases, there is one emoji that can never be disputed — the otter emoji 🦦.

Timeless and multi-purposed, the otter emoji is the cutest emoji to exist. When looking at the otter, you will immediately fall in love with it. As the chubby animal looks at you with its confused eyes, you can’t help but be overcome with pure delight. The otter looks wise, with three whiskers drooping at each side of its adorable nose. You just know the otter would never raise his voice at you as it politely holds a stone between his stubby paws, lying lazily in the calm water, just like the impregnably tranquil vibes it gives off.

Having a bad day? Look at the happy otter! Having a good day? Look at that happy otter!

The otter is your best friend. The crying emoji with tears is the one who is there when you feel like you’re dying inside. 

And it is important to repeat my warning: The laughing crying emoji is your enemy, a horrible, wretched enemy. And to users of the laughing crying emoji: You are my enemy. So please, don’t use the laugh crying emoji … like ever.