Much-needed tips for Falcons with no game when it comes to love

As senior class president (they made me include this), I must announce that an unforgivable disease has infected our high school and it’s not COVID-19. I cannot verbalize the outright disgust I feel every time I see underclassmen mingling and shouting “the Rizzard of Oz.” Enough is enough. 

The hard truth is that Saratoga has no game and if they want to improve, they need to finally take initiative and talk to their romantic interests.

People have become so embarrassed to approach people organically because of the ever-evolving online culture that they’d rather stalk their crush’s snap maps and astrological compatibility than talk to them in person. 

I promise you are not going to find your next relationship as a Discord kitten on Valorant. 

I trace this lack of social skills to a hyper-academic culture, where students must sacrifice going to school dances in order to catch up on a hefty load of homework assigned over break.

Oftentimes, students here do not balance their social life with their academic life, resulting in suppressing their emotions and neglecting their love life. 

On the other extreme, the people that do have the confidence to talk to other peers romantically are typically notorious for spitting the most  outlandish game. “That is river rat behavior,” I often find myself thinking out loud to my friends when they explain yet another offensive and borderline perverted pickup line sent to their DMs. 

What happened to good old-fashioned chivalry? The best present you’re going to get from a significant other from our school is heartbreak, a heart attack, a waste of time or a janky promposal brainstormed on the school toilet and drawn on a very small scrap of poster paper made by your best friend during tutorial.

Now that I’m (kinda) done complaining, I’m here to offer solutions: 

1. Go on real dates (not middle school type hangouts in Downtown Saratoga because you both don’t have cars).

2. Talk to someone you are interested in one-on-one and not exclusively in group settings.

3. Don’t listen to crappy advice your friends give you, like waiting three days before responding to someone’s snap (your Snap with the broccoli filter over it is not worth the wait). 

4. Avoid the classic Bay Area viewpoints at Mt. Eden and Skyline and instead go on creative dates to make things exciting. I suggest you take a gander about an aquarium or botanical garden, or partake in silly antics such as baking cookies from scratch or heading down to BJ’s on $4.99 pizookie Tuesdays (share a chocolate chunk pizookie with one spoon).

5. Or ignore all my previous points and date someone from a different school. Warning: Success is not guaranteed! (Evidence: me).

This is a desperate call to action for all Falcons and community members: Please, for the love of God, brush up on your game before we all die alone.