I’m in love with Altoids

I’ve been in a relationship with Altoids for as long as I can remember.

It all started when I tasted my first “Curiously Strong Mint.” The moment the peppermint-flavored pellet graced the surface of my tongue, I was instantly hooked. Nowadays, I can’t go a day without Altoids, and from sunrise ‘til sunset, I’m shoveling boatloads of Altoids into my mouth with no regrets.

As a passionate Altoid connoisseur, I’ve tried flavors from far and wide: original, smalls, arctic, peppermint, wintergreen, spearmint and cinnamon. 

If I’m feeling spicy, I’ll pop open my can of original peppermint Altoids and absorb the minty kick. If I’m in a more laid-back vibe, I’ll resort to my trusty arctic wintergreen Altoids, stashed in the corner of my desk.

Altoid consumption has many possibilities, too. For a drawn-out process of enjoyment, you can take your time sucking on its smooth edges. If you’re feeling rebellious, a quick bite splits an Altoid in half — two pieces means double the fun. Plus, who said you had to stick to one Altoid at a time? Efficiency is key. 

I take a prescribed dose of three Altoids after waking up to cure my morning breath. Throughout the day, Altoids will be by my side whenever my mouth is in need of refreshment. And best of all, who needs dessert when you’ve got your sweet, cinnamon Altoids?

I can proudly say I’m in a long-term relationship with Altoids. I’ve talked to my mint tins on numerous occasions about our future together, and we’ve come to the consensus that we’re in it ‘til the end. As long as I continue craving my beloved Altoids, I’ll be ordering a monthly batch of Altoids off Amazon — with free, two-day shipping.

The haters tell me to let off on my addiction: Gum tastes better, they say snootily. This is a jailable offense; if you’re into chewing a gooey stick of blandness for hours upon hours, be my guest. You don’t even consume it anyway, so what’s the point?

Whenever I’m feeling down, Altoids will always be there for me. Even in the depths of APUSH notes or English readings, I’ll be encompassed by the warmth of my Altoids. It’s an endless cycle: consume, restock, repeat.  

Am I ashamed of my unconventional relationship? Absolutely not. Altoids are my first and final love, and until the day I die, I’ll never let them go: We’re perfect for each other.